You’re at the center of the caregiving whirlwind, juggling doctor’s appointments, medications, and daily needs, while other family members seem to be on the periphery, offering sympathy but little else.
The loneliness of carrying the load can be as heavy as the work itself. Feeling like a solo act is not only unsustainable, it’s unnecessary. Transforming well-meaning relatives into a true support team is possible with a clear, compassionate strategy.
Here are four practical tips to bridge the gap between good intentions and the tangible help you and your parent truly need.
Why Don’t Other Family Members Help with Caregiving Duties?
Unfortunately, many caregivers are disappointed to find that family members don’t take on their fair share of responsibility.
There are many reasons why family members don’t help with caregiving – and it’s not always because they’re lazy and uncaring.
Sometimes people don’t know where to start or what they could do.
Others might feel like you don’t want or need any help.
And some people don’t realize how much time, energy, and sacrifice caregiving really takes.
To get you the help you need and deserve, we share four ways to convince reluctant family members to do their part.
4 Ways to Get Other Family Members to Help with Caregiving
1. Start With a One-On-One Conversation with Another Family Member
Choose one family member to start with and plan a one-on-one conversation with them.
Keeping the initial conversation private makes it less likely they’ll get defensive or argumentative, as they feel put on the spot or ganged up on in front of a group.
And even if you’re angry or resentful that they haven’t been doing anything to help, do your best to keep a friendly, conversational tone. As the saying goes, “you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”
Keeping your cool makes these conversations more productive and helps you get the caregiving help you need to get some well-deserved time for yourself.
Here’s how to handle the conversation:
- Tell them that you need more help with caring for your older adult.
- Find out if there’s anything they’d like to help with or suggest tasks that fit their skills and interests.
- Tell them what would be most helpful for your older adult.
- Let them know what would be most beneficial to you.
2. Be Specific About Tasks and Caregiving Responsibilities
Don’t assume that anyone can read your mind or will be able to pick up on hints or signals. If you need help with specific tasks, ask for them specifically.
For example:
- If you’re looking for someone to research ways to make incontinence care easier independently, let them know.
- If you want to talk on the phone to discuss whether Dad needs to stop driving and brainstorm how to bring it up with him, make sure you say so.
- If you’d like to take every other Saturday off from visiting Mom and have them take over on those days, bring it up for discussion.
3. Share Information About Appointments and Meetings with Other Family Members
When someone doesn’t know much about what’s happening, they can feel excluded or assume nothing is happening.
Lacking information means they won’t be able to understand the situation, which makes it less likely they’ll help.
Solve this problem by sharing important information, such as:
- Your older adult’s usual daily routine
- Upcoming medical appointments, regular outings, or special events
- List of medications and supplements
- Any current problems or concerns
4. Keep a List of Important Tasks to be Done
In caregiving, so many errands and tasks need to be done for your older adult.
Keep a list of all these To Do items so you’re ready to share the work whenever someone is available to help.
Your list might include:
- Pick up prescription refills
- Pay bills
- Shop for groceries
- Cook and prep meals
- Do laundry
- Clean the house
- Schedule and organize social events, such as lunches and family visits.
Final Thoughts About Sharing Caregiving Duties with Family Members
Building a family care team won’t happen overnight, and it may require patience and a few difficult conversations. But by clearly asking for specific help, you’re not assigning blame, you’re creating an opportunity for shared responsibility and deeper connection.
Remember, you are the expert on your parents’ needs, and your guidance is the map your family needs to follow. Start with one explicit request, and watch as the collective effort begins to lift the weight, ensuring your loved one receives the best possible care from a united front.
You deserve this support, and your family is capable of providing it.
Recommended for you:
- 3 Ways to Deal with Family in Denial About Seniors Needing Help
- Dealing with Aging Parents and Siblings: 5 Ways to Work Better Together
- How to Talk with Parents About Aging: 5 Tips and Conversation Starters
About the Author
Connie is the founder of DailyCaring.com and was a hands-on caregiver for her grandmother for 20 years. (Grandma made it to 101 years old!) She knows how challenging, overwhelming, and all-consuming caring for an older adult can be. She also understands the importance of support, especially in the form of practical solutions, valuable resources, and self-care tips.
information very good and helpful
So glad this article is useful!
my sister and i take care of our elderly mother. she had a stroke almost 4 years ago.but we take turns every 2 weeks. or vise versa. my mother would not want any one else taking care of her. nor would we. i draw a little ssi& and the rest ss. my sister draws her retirement. the stress can catch up to a person. .we do our best.because she is our mother. there has to be programs out there that pays siblings to care for her.in the state of ky. we have searched but cannot find anything. that can help us. so this being said, maybe someone can us.
It’s wonderful that you’re both caring for your mother. Programs that pay for caregiving vary depending on your state. This article has links to 3 programs that you can contact to find out if one or both of you can get paid – Getting Paid as a Family Caregiver: 3 Government Benefits Programs https://dailycaring.com/getting-paid-as-a-family-caregiver-3-government-benefits-programs/
You may also want to contact your local Area Agency on Aging to find out if they know of any programs in your area that could help. More info here – Area Agency on Aging: Resources for Seniors https://dailycaring.com/area-agency-on-aging-resources-for-seniors/
These benefits programs may also be helpful if they can save money on expenses – Financial Help for Seniors: 2,500+ Federal, State, & Private Benefits Programs https://dailycaring.com/find-financial-help-for-seniors-federal-state-and-private-benefits-programs/
I honestly wish so much that I could help you somehow. I’m in a similar boat, and it’s a terrible ship to be on. My retired sister lived only five miles from my parents when Dad got cancer. Dad was caregiver to my Mom who has very limited mobility and is on dialysis. I lived 3000 miles away and was still working. But my sister, who calls my mom a narcissist, refused to care for them. So I had to pack up and move in with them leaving behind my daughter, son and grandkids. I feel even worse for you cuz you’re younger than I am. But this was very hard for us because we had just gotten a motorhome to travel in when we retired. Now the motorhome sits in storage. My Dad died last August from the cancer, and we’re still the only ones caring for Mom…taking her to dialysis, doctors, and her demanding to go somewhere every day that we’re not doing those things. My sister sits in her house give miles away and “helps out” for about five hours by taking Mom shopping one time each week. Even then she gets out of it when she can. I’m having a very hard time fighting against being bitter towards her and I’m frankly I’m losing that battle. Even Mom knows how demanding she is, but she doesn’t care enough to change. I’m depressed allot because after working hard all my life towards my dream to retire and travel in a motorhome, our own retirement plans are over. I guess all i can say is we’re the ones trying to do the right thing. It’s not much consolation when your whole life has been taken over indefinitely, but at least it’s something. I’m so very sorry for you, for all of us that are stuck in this situation. Wish I had some answers, but at least know you aren’t alone. I suspect there are millions of us doing the same.
So sorry to hear about this challenging situation 🙁 You’re certainly not alone in this. It’s not selfish to live your own life too. Perhaps there are ways to balance time between your mom and your family by hiring someone to care for her when you’re with your family. Or, it might be time to consider a move to assisted living.
These articles might be helpful:
– 7 Steps for Hiring a Caregiver for In-Home Help https://dailycaring.com/7-steps-for-hiring-a-caregiver-for-in-home-help/
– Affordable In Home Care: 8 Ways to Lower Senior Care Costs https://dailycaring.com/affordable-in-home-care-8-ways-to-lower-senior-care-costs/
– When to Move to Assisted Living? Advice From a Social Worker https://dailycaring.com/when-should-a-senior-move-to-assisted-living-get-advice-from-a-social-worker/
I’ve been a caretaker for my step mother for 12 years (maybe a little more). She had a stroke and is unable to do anything on her own. I can count on one hand the number of times her son or daughter willingly (without it being her birthday) came to see her. The daughter is a six hour drive away, but her son lives in the same sub-division not five minutes away. I’ve asked for help from both. The daughter will only come if I pay her, the son just will not help. I disliked the woman from the beginning (I mean from the moment I met her, 22 years ago). Now no one except for my father (her husband, who got a girlfriend immediately after it happened) and myself help her. Make sure she gets to doctors appointments, as that is all she seems to have the energy to do. Feed her, bathe her, etc.. I didn’t want to do this in the first place however there is literally only my father and I can’t just abandon him. I’ve been doing this since my first year of college (that didn’t last long). We can’t afford a care facility and my father doesn’t trust anyone in the caretaker industry. I often wonder how much longer until I can stop. I hate this. It has taken control of my life. I haven’t had a girlfriend in 12 years now. Will I get to have a life at all?
I’m sorry that you’ve been put into this situation. It’s wonderful that you’re caring for your stepmother, but it’s also important to set boundaries so you can take care of yourself.
It may be time for you to have a serious conversation with your father about getting outside help so you can have time for your own needs.
These articles may be helpful:
— 6 Tips for Caregivers to Set Realistic Boundaries and Expectations https://dailycaring.com/6-tips-for-caregivers-to-set-realistic-boundaries-and-expectations/
— Healthy Caregiver Boundaries Are Essential for Self-Care: 5 Useful Tips https://dailycaring.com/healthy-caregiver-boundaries-are-essential-for-self-care-5-useful-tips/
— When They Say No: 8 Ways to Introduce In-Home Care for Seniors https://dailycaring.com/when-they-say-no-8-ways-to-introduce-in-home-care-for-seniors/