Overcome 3 Excuses from Relatives Who Avoid Caregiving

relatives who avoid caregiving

Caregivers need more help

Many caregivers take on more responsibility for their older adult than others in their family. In one study, 76% of family caregivers reported that they don’t get help from family members.

Caring for an older adult by yourself is exhausting and damaging to health. But getting family to help is often a challenge.

Getting a better understanding of why family members aren’t doing their part helps you find ways to get them to participate in caregiving.

We share 3 top reasons why family members don’t help with caregiving and suggest ways to overcome their excuses so they’ll give you the help you need and deserve.




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Overcome 3 reasons why relatives avoid caregiving

1. They think you don’t need any help
This may sound crazy because you’re living the grueling caregiving reality, but from the outside, it may look like you’ve got everything under control and don’t need help.

Often, people who aren’t involved in day-to-day care have no idea how much time, energy, and sacrifice is needed to care for an older adult.

Telling your family member about everything you do isn’t as effective as having them experience it firsthand.

A good way to start changing their misguided point of view is to slowly get them involved in day-to-day activities.

For example, ask your relative to help with a specific task – like a health insurance claim issue or financial housekeeping. Or, have them visit when you normally help Mom get ready for bed and then ask them to do some of the things you would normally do.

They may not change their minds the first time, but if you keep involving them in aspects of your older adult’s care, they’ll soon see how much time and energy caregiving really takes.

 

2. They don’t know how to help
Another type of family member might not know how they should help. These folks do better when asked to do specific tasks.

It might be annoying to have to constantly spell out exactly what you need because it seems so obvious to you, but these people often respond better to requests like “Next Saturday, I need your help to declutter Mom’s house so she won’t be as likely to fall. Can you meet me at her house at 2pm and stay until 5pm?”

 

3. They’re scared of doing a bad job
Ha! As if you had a choice when you started as a caregiver! You had to jump in and learn on the job, but someone else is sitting on the sidelines because they’re too afraid.

As tough as this idea may be to swallow, this person might be willing to help if you slowly ease them in and train them on caregiving tasks.

Start out by having them shadow you and watch while you care for your older adult. That helps them get over their fear and get familiar with the routine. The more first hand exposure they have to caregiving, the more comfortable they’ll get.

As an example, you could ask them to come over for lunch. While they’re there, calmly talk through the ways you’re helping Dad – “I’m just going to cut up the chicken to make it easier to chew.” or “Let’s gently encourage Mom to drink all her juice at lunch so she won’t get dehydrated.”

 

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By DailyCaring Editorial Team
Image: Assisted Living Advantage


17 Comments

  • Reply September 21, 2018

    Irma Reyes

    I’ve been with my mom about ten or more years. I have 4 brothers I’m the only daughter have one brother who tries to help me 1 lives in the states , one lives with me but not much help and the oldest worries more about he’s mother in law then his mom.I work so I can kept up with the financial.

  • Reply September 20, 2018

    Anonymous

    My siblings become so sad and upset by the changes in our parents. They are kind of unstable in their own lives, and it is just too much for them to handle. It is frustrating to me.

    • Reply September 21, 2018

      DailyCaring

      I’m so sorry you’re in this situation 🙁 It’s tough to shoulder the responsibility alone. Would they be able to contribute financially so you can hire some help? Or, maybe they could help with non-care tasks like errands.

  • Reply September 19, 2018

    TL

    I don’t actually related to the excuses outlined in this article. In my experience, my siblings’s reasons/excuses have always been: 1. I don’t have time; 2. I have a life; 3. I can’t do what you do. While they “appreciate” what I do, they always seem to have “plans,” and don’t want to “give up their own life.”

    One thing I’ve said to them is “you make plans because you can.” I can’t walk away.

    • Reply September 19, 2018

      DailyCaring

      I’m so sorry your siblings have been unwiling to help, that’s a very disappointing situation to be in. Maybe you could get them to contribute financially if they refuse to help in other ways?

  • Reply November 29, 2017

    Maria

    Hi
    For me it simple,I have a brother who dose not want to be part of it and has clearly said so.
    He was not raised that way.
    I am in alot of pain myself and I have been at this for over 35 yrs.
    Also I think and feel it is sad he doesn’t see them,they will not be here forever.
    In short it is sad,heart breaking and disheartening.

    • Reply December 5, 2017

      DailyCaring

      Maria — I’m so sorry about your brother 🙁 I hope you’re able to get help with caregiving from other sources so you can have time to care for yourself as well ❤

  • Reply September 12, 2017

    Sandra

    All of these stories are so true. I have 2 brothers, 1 we don’t hear from and the other is pretty responsive. But we are in different states. The bottom line for me is I will do as much as I can for as long as I can. My mother has always been there for her family and didn’t bail if it got to hard. My sadness comes from the fact that she won’t be here for ever and my siblings are missing so much. Their loss.

    • Reply September 12, 2017

      DailyCaring

      I’m so glad you’re able to be there for your parents ❤❤

  • Reply July 27, 2017

    B

    I have 12 brothers and sisters our mother began needing help last September I stay with mom over night at her house she comes home with me in the mornings so i can run child day care i only have one sister that will stay overnight and she only does that one or if iam lucky two nights a month they help with a few dr app but that is it i never get to see my own family and i am beyond tired atleast six out of the 12 have done nothing but they tell me i have plenty of help i really don’t have family support

    • Reply July 27, 2017

      DailyCaring

      I’m so sorry that’s happening 🙁 If your siblings aren’t willing to physically help, you could ask them to contribute financially so you can hire some help and get some well-deserved breaks.

  • Reply July 18, 2016

    Anonymous

    My experience has been they simply do not want to help. I have s brother and sister. They have never done anything. I have sacrificed everything for years, and for over a year mom has lived with me. Neither has done s damn thing, and I’ve asked many times. Then they accuse me of trying to steal money, lol.

    • Reply July 18, 2016

      Connie Chow

      I’m so sad to hear that your family is so unhelpful 🙁 It’s unfortunately true that some people just won’t do their part and may even try to make things worse, like when your siblings try to accuse you of stealing. In those cases, there’s not much you can do except keep them up to date on major changes (if you feel that’s helpful) and otherwise avoid contact. A caregiving team can still support you — turn to other relatives, friends, professional caregivers, programs like adult day services, and even community volunteers for help.

  • Reply September 10, 2015

    SANDRA SMITH

    SOME FAMILY MEMBERS ARE JUST LAZY AND DON’T CARE SO THEY PUT ALL THE RESPONSIBILITY ON ONE PERSON.

    • Reply September 10, 2015

      Connie Chow

      Hi Sandra, It’s so sad, but unfortunately true for too many caregivers 🙁 One possibility in those situations is to build a caregiving team of helpful relatives (if there are any), friends, and hired professionals. There are people out there who are willing and able to help.

  • […] For many, getting family to help care for seniors is hard. Understanding the thinking of relatives who avoid caregiving helps you overcome their excuses.  […]

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