A caregiverās effort can go unappreciated
Feeling unappreciated when you do so much to care for your older adult is a common issue in caregiving.
Not feeling valued causes resentment and increases stress, eventually leading to burnout.
These feelings are a natural part of caregiving and wonāt just go away on their own.
Whatās important is to learn to manage the negative feelings to keep yourself as healthy and happy as possible.
Weāve got 11 effective ways to help you cope if you’re feeling unappreciated while caring for your older adult.
11 ways to cope with caregiving when youāre feeling unappreciated
1. Understand why seniors might not show appreciation
Thinking about why your older adult doesnāt show appreciation gives perspective on the situation and can make it easier to cope.
For example, seniors who are living with serious chronic illness or pain and declining physical or cognitive abilities might be focused on their own suffering. Theyāre less likely to be aware of your feelings and needs.
Older adults with dementia are often struggling to get through the day. They may not be able to think about more than the basic tasks of living.
Or, they could feel appreciation, but not be able to express it properly. If theyāre in a more advanced stage, they might not be able to process complex concepts like appreciation.
In other cases, your older adult might have gotten used to the daily routine and no longer realizes how much youāre actually doing and how much time and energy it takes.
Itās also possible that your older adult resents needing help.
Regardless of their true care needs, they may feel like youāre forcing unnecessary assistance on them. This makes them unlikely to feel gratitude for what youāre doing.
2. Make self-care a priority
When youāre exhausted and stressed, itās easy for resentment and anger to creep in and occupy your mind.
Thatās why self-care is essential for caregivers ā itās not a treat or indulgence.
Taking time for yourself is what keeps you mentally and physically healthy.
It helps manage the stress and negative feelings so you can continue caregiving for the long haul.
3. Appreciate yourself and celebrate accomplishments
Celebrating your caregiving accomplishments might seem like something that others do for you, but itās essential that you also appreciate yourself.
Thatās because the way you feel about yourself and how you talk to yourself has a bigger impact than what anyone else says.
If family members canāt or wonāt express appreciation for your hard work, you may have to accept their limitations and focus on self-appreciation instead.
Think of the good reasons youāve chosen to take on this job and how much youāve helped someone in need.
4. Reward yourself
Caregiving is by nature a thankless job. Rewarding yourself is another way to keep feeling positive about all the good youāre doing.
A reward could be anything ā big or small.
Maybe itās getting your favorite Starbucks drink once a week or buying supplies for a hobby you love.
Or it could be giving yourself permission to get respite care or hire caregiving help so you can go on a weekend getaway.
5. Use lighthearted humor to ask for appreciation
Sometimes you need to let people know that youād like some recognition and thanks.
One way is to take a lighthearted approach and occasionally make jokes in a positive tone of voice.
For example, if your older adult praises something someone else did for them, you could use a lighthearted tone to say with a smile, āWhat am I, chopped liver?ā
Or, after completing a task like helping them move from the bed to the chair, you might gently tease, āNo need for thanks, Iām just here for the free workouts.ā
6. Donāt measure your performance in terms of their health
The reality is that aging canāt be cured.
Serious chronic diseases will continue to get worse. Like the old saying goes, none of us gets out of here alive.
Thatās why itās not fair to judge yourself based on your older adultās health or ability to recover from a health crisis.
Even the most magical, fantastic, amazing caregiver wouldnāt be able to stop their decline.
Donāt wait for your older adult to show improvement before appreciating yourself for making their lives safer and more comfortable.
You are making an important difference.
7. Understand why others might not show appreciation
Family or friends who havenāt done any caregiving may not understand what you do or how hard it is.
Some people have a hard time empathizing if theyāve never experienced something for themselves. Thatās why they might not be appreciative of all that you do.
One way to cope is to share more information.
For example, send family members a periodic email to update them on the many tasks youāve been managing ā like a recent medical appointment, physical therapy results, getting new medical equipment, etc.
When family members have a better understanding of everything youāve been doing, they might be more likely to show appreciation or even offer to help.
8. Graciously accept thanks and appreciation
When youāve received far less appreciation than you deserve, itās easy to snap at someone who thanks you for something.
It might feel like their thanks is ātoo little, too late.ā
But snapping at someone when they thank you only discourages them from doing it again.
Even if you feel like their appreciation isnāt enough, accept it graciously.
That encourages them to show even more appreciation in the future.
9. Model the behavior youād like to see
Sometimes the best way to get thanks is to give it first. If youād like others to show appreciation toward you, start by showing them appreciation.
If your older adult does something helpful, no matter how minor, recognize it and thank them.
For example, if they hang up the hand towel rather than leaving it on the counter, say thank you.
Youāll be reinforcing a positive behavior and increasing the chances theyāll thank you for something in the future.
10. Choose to do it for yourself
Itās important to remember that you have a choice and that youāve made the decision to be a caregiver.
It may not always feel like youāre in control of that decision, but you are.
There are alternatives for your older adult if you choose not to be their caregiver. They may not be great options, but choices do exist.
When you choose to be a caregiver, itās important to do it for your own reasons and not for appreciation or recognition from anyone else.
Remind yourself that youāve chosen to do it even if nobody appreciates or notices your sacrifice.
11. See it as a compliment
Unfortunately, the more capable, helpful, and reliable you are, the more likely youāll be taken for granted.
After all, the person who gets everything done and knows exactly what theyāre doing doesnāt stand out because theyāre not causing problems.
This may be a small comfort, but it can help reframe the lack of appreciation as a compliment to your outstanding caregiving skills.
Recommended for you:
- Caregiver Emotions: 2 Tips for Managing Tough Feelings
- 4 Sources of Affordable Counseling Services to Reduce Caregiver Stress
- 6 Ways to Make It Easier for Caregivers to Take a Break
By DailyCaring Editorial Team
A version of this article was originally published on Sixty and Me
This article wasnāt sponsored and doesnāt contain affiliate links. For more information, see How We Make Money.
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Arlene Lawrence
This article on what to do when you feel unappreciated really hits the nail on the head. Unfortunately, it is so easy to start feeling this way. Thank you for bringing out the reality of how dementia patients struggle with the most basic life skills including cognitive ones and also for the importance of self-care. Everything said in this article is so true and so helpful. May it encourage all of us!
THANK YOU!
DailyCaring
We’re so glad this article is helpful! Caregiving is a really challenging job and often isn’t appreciated enough. But it’s so important and makes such a huge difference in someone’s life when they’re well cared for. The key is to do your best to get help when needed, build a caregiving team, and care for yourself as well.
Donna Harris
Iāve been caring for my 101 year old mother for 20 yrs. Itās been the hardest thing Iāve done in all my years. This topic āfeeling unappreciatedā is the #1 Iāve dealt with. This post has finally helped me understand why this happens. Iāve had anger in my heart for so long but I feel relieved now. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for opening my eyes and my heart. What a relief it is. ~ Donna Harris (going crazy for my momma)
DailyCaring
So glad this article has been helpful! It’s a challenging feeling to deal with, but so important in order to reduce the negativity and improve health and well-being.
Steve Deane
The work is abundant and the laborers few. Every person and each situation is so unique. Itās the most difficult thing weāve had to endure in our 50 year marriage. We pray for continued wisdom, courage and strength and are grateful for this article. Peace
DailyCaring
We’re so glad this article is helpful and send our warmest wishes and positive thoughts š
B
My mother has been fighting diverticulitis for months, she is 89. I am the caretaker and although it is my choice, I am struggling financially now that i cannot work while she is ill. I am lucky to have both my parents at 89 and 93, however there are times when she is so nasty to me and telling untruths and hurtful things about me to whomever will listen. Logically I know anyone who knows our situations knows I’m not “waiting for her to die” but it does hurt none the less. I appreciate reading the articles and comments. I did too feel the “choice” was a bit simplistic but I get it
Thank you
DailyCaring
I’m so sorry this is happening, it’s so tough when someone you’re helping is behaving that way.
In case it’s helpful, we’ve got an article about handling mean behavior. It’s geared toward someone with dementia who’s being hurtful, but the advice might still be useful for your situation — http://dailycaring.com/7-ways-to-respond-to-mean-dementia-behavior/
aj
whoever wrote the article above has obviously never been a caregiver. Especially where you say remember your chose this. My sister said this once to me.. this was your decision. Seriously? and what was your decision? Not to help? I am not cut out that way. My parents need help and I am there. No decision, no questions. Simply is.
Tough and more tough. Happy to do it but tough so tough at times. No pay and you lose your real job because of it. Then what?
DailyCaring
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through a tough time caring for your parents š I can certainly understand your dedication to them. Even if it’s a choice you didn’t want to make, it’s a choice to continue doing it and continue without making any changes. Sometimes even little changes can make a big difference in your mental and physical health and keep you going in the long run. Perhaps you could look into resources that would help you relieve stress and get regular breaks. Caregiving can certainly wear you down and create resentment and anger.
Since your sister has decided not to help, outside sources of help sound like they’d be more helpful. Your local Area Agency on Aging is a great place to start to get referrals and find out about local programs that could help with caregiving and maybe expenses as well. More info about the Area Agency on Aging here — http://dailycaring.com/local-community-resources-for-seniors-and-caregivers-area-agency-on-aging/
You may also find stress relief and helpful advice from a caregiver support group. Talking with people in similar situations is very therapeutic and helps you know that you’re not alone in this. Here are our favorite free, private groups on Facebook — http://dailycaring.com/11-caregiver-support-groups-on-facebook-youll-want-to-join/ We’ve also got information on how to find a local, in-person group — http://dailycaring.com/8-benefits-of-caregiver-support-groups/
If a parent has dementia, you could call the Alzheimer’s Association 24/7 helpline at 1-800-272-3900. Their family specialists are wonderful and can direct you to local resources and in-person caregiver support groups. It’s extremely helpful to connect with a community who understands what you’re going through.
In case it would be helpful, we’ve got a lot of stress relief suggestions here — http://dailycaring.com/category/caregiver-wellness/stress-relief/ We’ve also got plenty of articles that talk about how to get in-home caregiving help — http://dailycaring.com/category/daily-care/find-in-home-care/
I hope this info and suggestions are helpful and that you’ll be able to find some ways to get a little rest and care for yourself while you care for your parents.
Whatever
I totally agree with you, this article doesn’t help at all. I don’t think the writer ever done a long-term caregiver. Especially when I read that why other people don’t appreciate and the writer suggested us to share / tell other people what we did. Do you really think that helps? NO!! We might get some “thank you for doing that”…. but NO!! people who said that didn’t really mean any “appreciation” at all. More times, people told me, “oh, you don’t have to do that, just get nurse / doctor / whoever to do it. You decided to do it “……Really?
DailyCaring
It sounds like you might be feeling angry about your caregiving situation. Perhaps venting and talking with other caregivers in similar situations could help reduce stress and improve well-being. We’ve got some suggestions for online and offline groups that may be helpful:
— 11 Caregiver Support Groups on Facebook Youāll Want to Join https://dailycaring.com/11-caregiver-support-groups-on-facebook-youll-want-to-join/
— 8 Benefits of Caregiver Support Groups https://dailycaring.com/8-benefits-of-caregiver-support-groups/
You may also benefit from getting more help so you can take breaks and get time away from caregiving. Here are some suggestions that may help:
— Caring for the Caregiver: 6 Ways to Get Help and Improve Your Health https://dailycaring.com/caring-for-the-caregiver-6-ways-to-get-help-and-improve-your-health/
— When They Say No: 8 Ways to Introduce In-Home Care for Seniors https://dailycaring.com/when-they-say-no-8-ways-to-introduce-in-home-care-for-seniors/
Susann Dundas
Thank you. My husband has Lewy Bodies Dementia; it is easy to forget the needs of the person requiring care. It is exhausting to explain the “why” of a same question asled several times a day, and I have to remind myself that he has actually not assimilated the information – it was heard and forgotten.
I really appreciate the emails I get from “daily caring”, and would be happy to share experiences and thoughts with other care givers who may be facing the same challenges.
Cordially,
Susann
DailyCaring
I’m so glad our articles are helpful! Dementia care is a tough and often thankless job. I hope these suggestions help you find some ways to cope and feel better.
We’ve also got suggestions on how to respond when he asks the same questions over and over again — http://dailycaring.com/4-ways-to-respond-when-someone-with-alzheimers-keeps-repeating-questions/