People with dementia might say hurtful things
When you’re caring for an older adult with Alzheimer’s disease or dementia, they might make mean comments, use hurtful words, or accuse you of terrible (but untrue) things.
It’s devastating to hear, but the most important thing to remember is that their disease is causing the behavior.
Your older adult isn’t purposely saying these things to hurt you. The damage in their brain is causing it.
However, while they’re yelling or making false accusations, it’s tough to try to keep that in mind and ignore the hurtful words.
We share 7 effective tips to help you manage this mean dementia behavior and reduce the stress and resentment it causes.
Understand why someone with dementia says mean things
First, it’s important to understand why this hurtful behavior is happening.
Dementia is a brain disease that causes parts of the brain to shrink and lose their function, resulting in cognitive impairment.
These different parts control functions like memory, personality, behavior, and speech. Dementia also damages the ability to control impulses, which means actions aren’t intentional.
Even though it’s difficult, do your best to remember that they truly don’t intend the mean things they say.
These mean comments and hurtful accusations often happen because the person is unable to express what’s actually bothering them.
It could be triggered by something in their environment that causes discomfort, pain, anxiety, fear, helplessness, confusion, or frustration.
Working to accept the fact that they’re not doing this on purpose helps reduce stress and makes their behavior easier to manage.
The overall strategy is to take a deep breath, remind yourself that it’s not personal, take care of immediate discomfort or fear, and try to find the cause behind the behavior.
Next, look for long-term solutions that will help you get the support and rest you need to keep your cool in challenging situations like these.
7 ways to reduce and manage mean dementia behavior
1. Calm the situation down
The first thing to do is reduce the tension in the room.
Start by limiting the distractions in the room, like turning off the TV or asking others to leave.
And if you stay calm, they’re also more likely to calm down.
It might help you to count to 10 or even leave the room for a short time to cool down. Repeat to yourself “it’s the disease” as a reminder that they’re not intentionally doing this.
If the current activity seemed to cause the agitation, try shifting to a more pleasant, calming activity. Or, try soft music or a gentle massage.
2. Comfort and reassure while checking for causes of discomfort or fear
Take a deep breath, don’t argue, and use a calm, soothing voice to reassure and comfort your older adult.
It also helps to speak slowly and use short, direct sentences.
Then, check for possible causes of agitation or fear, like:
- Pain or discomfort
- Signs of overstimulation
- Feeling disturbed by strange surroundings
- Being overwhelmed by complicated tasks
- Frustration because of the inability to communicate
It also helps to focus on their emotions rather than their specific words or actions. Look for the feelings behind what they’re doing as a way to identify the cause.
3. Keep track of and avoid possible triggers
Whenever difficult behavior comes up, write down what happened, the time, and the date in a dedicated notebook.
Also think about what was going on just before the behavior started and write that down as a possible trigger.
Having everything in one notebook helps you find possible causes for the behavior.
For example, if your notes show that your older adult gets angry and starts calling you names around 4pm on most days, it could be because they haven’t eaten since noon and they’re hungry. They may not realize it or don’t know how to ask for food.
To test your theory, try giving them a snack around 3:30pm to see if that helps prevent the outbursts.
4. Check for a urinary tract infection
A urinary tract infection (UTI) can put a lot of stress on your older adult’s immune system.
That can cause sudden, unexplained behavior changes like difficult behaviors, more agitation, or being less responsive than usual.
5. Consider an adult day program
You might also consider enrolling your older adult in an adult day program.
These are places where your older adult would go for a half or full day of activities and socialization.
Interacting with other people and participating in a variety of enjoyable activities can reduce stress and help them sleep better.
That can improve their overall behavior and reduce their need to act out.
Find a local adult day center through the Eldercare Locator (also at 1-800-677-1116) or through your local Area Agency on Aging.
6. Attend a caregiver support group
Caregiver support groups are filled with people who really understand what you’re going through.
Talking with other caregivers gives you an important outlet for stress. You can vent your frustrations so it will be easier to stay calm when your older adult is being hurtful.
Fellow caregivers may also have helpful advice or perspective that can help you get through a difficult episode.
7. Lean on family, friends, and other help to get a break
Always being around the same person can make anyone annoyed and short-tempered. This goes for both you and your older adult.
Taking some time away can help both of you.
Ask family and friends to take over for a few hours or hire caregiving help.
Taking regular breaks gives you a chance to take care of yourself and gives you both a little time away from each other.
Recommended for you:
- How to Talk to Someone with Alzheimer’s: Short, Direct Sentences
- Therapeutic Fibbing: Why Experts Recommend Lying to Someone with Dementia
- How to Talk to Someone With Dementia: Calm, Positive Body Language
By DailyCaring Editorial Team
Image: Bing Butt
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About the Author
Connie Chow
Connie was a hands-on caregiver for her grandmother for 20 years. (Grandma made it to 101 years old!) She knows how challenging, overwhelming, and all-consuming caring for an older adult can be. She also knows how important support is — especially in the form of practical solutions, valuable resources, and self-care tips.
Hi all. Just reading through all the comments makes me feel that I am not abnormal in feeling the way I do. Growing up, I was not really my Mom’s favourite child but here I am now in my 50’s having to be her primary caregiver since she has dementia. She can be mean and stubborn at times, but she does have her light moments. Sending love and big hugs to everybody who is a caregiver (and esp. to a dementia patient) because people just don’t understand how incredibly difficult it can be! I need to take care of my mental health as well, since I am a single Mum. Even siblings just assume that all is okay. My faith in God helps me get through each day, a great deal. Oh, and not to mention, I work in a toxic office where there is no empathy of any sort!
Hi, my mum has vascular dementia but refuses to admit anything is wrong and behaves as if my brother and I are doing things (such as taking her to the doctor etc) purely to hurt or embarress her. We don’t have a close relationship so how can I tell her I’m not trying to hurt her feelings? She constantly hurts mine but being rude and rejecting me. I just want to walk away to be honest but I can’t leave it all on my brother.
There are a variety of reasons why someone might not want to admit that they’re experiencing cognitive impairment.
One possibility is that she has anosognosia, meaning that she truly believes that she doesn’t have dementia. More info here – 6 Ways to Help Someone Who Doesn’t Know They’re Ill: Anosognosia in Dementia https://dailycaring.com/6-ways-to-help-someone-who-doesnt-know-theyre-ill-anosognosia-in-dementia/
The tips in the article might help you assist your mother in more subtle ways that she may be more likely to accept.
My mother has dementia. She constantly thinks my 2 sisters and myself are doing things to make her lose her mind. She says hurtful things to all of us. Yes, I’d like to walk away also but I can’t leave the burden on my sisters. She’s my mom too. I’m there everyday and 3 nights. It’s been nearly 4 years. She wants to die. She’s so unhappy. She’s 93. Pretty good health other than the dementia. She’ll probably outlive us all. That’s sad for everyone. We’d like to have some fun is our “golden” years but we’re not able. I hope and pray that she’ll just go peacefully in her sleep. Good luck to you.
So sorry to hear about this tough situation. It’s difficult to hear such hurtful things and see her so unhappy. In case you’d like to try some different things, she may be frustrated and angry about everyday tasks which could be causing her anger to erupt. Or, she could be bored and not able to do the activities she used to enjoy.
These articles may be helpful:
– Dementia and Anger: 9 Calming Strategies https://dailycaring.com/9-ways-to-reduce-anger-in-dementia/
– When Depression and Dementia Collide https://dailycaring.com/when-depression-and-dementia-collide/
– All our activity suggestions for people with dementia – https://dailycaring.com/tag/alzheimers-dementia-activities/
– Solve Challenging Alzheimer’s Behaviors with Expert Communication Tips https://dailycaring.com/video-difficult-alzheimers-behaviors-solved-with-expert-communication-tips/
– Understanding and Managing Dementia Behaviors: A Comprehensive Guide https://dailycaring.com/understanding-and-managing-dementia-behaviors-a-comprehensive-guide/
– 6 Things to Try Before Using Antipsychotic Medications for Dementia Behaviors https://dailycaring.com/how-to-handle-dementia-behaviors-without-antipsychotic-drugs/
My parents are the most selfish people you’ll ever meet. Now they are elderly with dementia and even more selfish and obnoxious.
They are on their own now. We tried. When the crisis happens (I give it less than a year) someone from the government will be making decisions on their behalf in the most expedient way possible. They might not like it but they’ve burnt every bridge.
My father recently had a stroke at the age of 89. He’s home and three of us kids are sharing the burden of having to rehab him when we are not experienced in this. My mother has dementia for sometime now. We can’t get her to take a shower. She goes sometimes three weeks or more. Even though she is 88 she is functional in her home. Soon as we try to get her to shower she turns into a crazy person. She went to call 911 to have me arrested last week. She screams at my father to get up and choose between me or her, but he can’t talk so he cries. Seems taking a shower sets her off. So, how do we get her to bath?
We’re sorry to hear of your father’s stroke. It’s wonderful that you’re working together to care for him and your mother.
These articles may be helpful as you help your father:
– Tips for Communicating with Seniors Who Have Difficulty Speaking After Stroke https://dailycaring.com/aphasia-communication-tips-when-seniors-have-speech-problems-after-stroke-infographic/
– Stroke Therapy Exercises for Upper and Lower Body https://dailycaring.com/video-stroke-therapy-exercises-for-upper-and-lower-body/
– Dressing After Stroke: Tips to Regain Independence https://dailycaring.com/video-how-seniors-dress-independently-after-stroke/
– 11 Adaptive Utensils and Eating Aids for Hand Tremors, Dementia, Parkinson’s, Stroke https://dailycaring.com/hand-tremors-adaptive-utensils-eating-aids/
Bathing can be a sensitive activity for someone with dementia. We’ve got a couple of articles that may help:
– 7 Tips to Get Someone with Dementia to Shower https://dailycaring.com/7-tips-to-get-someone-with-alzheimers-to-take-a-bath/
– 4 Ways to Get Someone with Dementia to Change Clothes https://dailycaring.com/4-ways-to-get-someone-with-dementia-to-change-clothes/
I need some advice. I believe my father has dementia, and he appears to direct his meanness and verbal abuse at my mom. He does not act this way when I am around. They are both in their early 80’s. In my opinion he has always been a narcissist, and not always the nicest person. He is forgetting how to do things, but tells my mom that ‘she thinks she knows more than him’, as if my mother knows nothing. He has taken some medicine incorrectly (doubling up), couldn’t do the taxes this year because the website was different (so I had to do them), and told my mom he wants a divorce because when she was talking in her sleep, he claims she said she wanted a divorce. I told my mother that I frankly don’t believe he heard her say that because he doesn’t wear a hearing aid at home often. Plus he lies.
How does my mother get him to go to the doctor to discuss his issues? He won’t go if she makes an appointment. I personally don’t like being around him, and have for a long time done things for him because he is my father, not necessarily because I love him, so it’s difficult for me to be patient/understanding. And I can’t afford to have his condition affect my emotional well-being , which he has in the past. I guess I need advice on how my mom can handle this, as she is bearing the brunt of his meanness. I don’t want this to become physical.
These are challenging issues and unfortunately there aren’t any easy answers.
The first thing to do is to make sure your mom is safe. If your father is being aggressive or violent, it may be necessary to move him to assisted living or memory care where he can get the care he needs and your mom won’t be in danger of being harmed.
It would be ideal to have a doctor evaluate him for any cognitive issues so you can know what is going on. Or, perhaps he has a treatable condition that’s causing dementia-like symptoms.
If he doesn’t want to go to the doctor, it would be very difficult to force him to do so. You may want to try fibbing to trick him into going. For example, your mother could say that the doctor’s office is requiring him to go for his annual visit, which is now required by the insurance company (or Medicare). Before the appointment, you and your mother should email with or call the doctor to let them know of the concerns about his cognitive health, his refusal to see a doctor, and ask the doctor to discreetly examine him to find out what’s causing these problems. That way, your father only thinks he’s going for a “mandatory” checkup.
These articles might be helpful:
– 7 Treatable Health Conditions with Dementia-Like Symptoms https://dailycaring.com/7-treatable-health-conditions-with-symptoms-similar-to-dementia/
– 8 Treatable Diseases That Mimic Dementia https://dailycaring.com/8-treatable-diseases-that-mimic-dementia/
– 8 Ways to Deal with False Dementia Accusations https://dailycaring.com/8-ways-to-deal-with-false-dementia-accusations/
– Dementia and Anger: 9 Calming Strategies https://dailycaring.com/9-ways-to-reduce-anger-in-dementia/
– Therapeutic Fibbing: Why Experts Recommend Lying to Someone with Dementia https://dailycaring.com/why-experts-recommend-lying-to-someone-with-dementia/
How to take of my next door neighbor who has dementual and has no family.
What should I do?
make a referral to social Services.
That can be a complex situation. It may be best to contact an attorney or your county’s Area Agency on Aging to get advice and find out about any legal issues that might come up if you try to step in to provide the care they need.
More info here:
– Area Agency on Aging: Local Resources for Seniors https://dailycaring.com/area-agency-on-aging-resources-for-seniors/
– 5 Smart Tips for Hiring an Elder Law Attorney https://dailycaring.com/how-to-find-an-elder-law-attorney-you-can-trust/
– 7 Sources of Free Legal Services for Seniors https://dailycaring.com/7-sources-of-free-legal-services-for-seniors/
My father is 88 he had a stroke 2015 it changed him, hevhas dementia, he has a sepsis infection in the VA hospital for 8 days he get angry for all the pricking and sticking. I figure 1 thats alot,2 just being inside a unfamiliar place isn’t ideal, but he is so angry at times in hospital, but he calms down. Will being back home after a bad infection help.??.he’s a man who likes to be left alone even with dementia, but peaceful
It makes sense that your father would feel disoriented and angry about various medical procedures while in the hospital, especially if he’s alone and the staff isn’t trained in caring for someone with dementia.
In terms of where he should go when he’s discharged, it’s best to speak with the doctor to find out what level of care he’ll need after he’s released from the hospital and to evaluate whether or not you’ll be able to provide the needed level of care in your home.
If he was already living and being cared for in your home, then it might be helpful to be back in a familiar place, assuming his care needs are still manageable. If he was in assisted living and they’re able to provide the needed level of care, it could be helpful for him to go back to that familiar environment.
Home can help but trying a day care with other seniors can really help!
Excellent suggestion, thanks for sharing!
My mum has always been a horrible, vindictive nasty piece of work and this just makes it worse. She is a complete narcissist and does not even acknowledge its her with the problem. Me and my dad have suffered years of emotional and physical abuse, and although it sounds really horrible i am just waiting for her to die.
We’re so sorry to hear about your mom’s long history of mean behavior 🙁
I 100% feel your pain but not for much longer. The parents will be in control and on their own, just the way they like it.
I feel the same about my husband he is mean and physical. He scratches me, grabs my arm and twists it, pulls my hair and chokes me. Then an hour later he comes to me and says he is sorry. I am all alone no family or friends within two hours of us. It sure makes me laugh when people say “join a support group”. How? I can’t even take a shower without him getting angry for leaving him. He is mean and hateful. I do not believe any doctor or professional should give advice until they live with someone confused and angry 24/7. It is nothing like caring for a patient a few hours a day. It is like living in hell everyday. DD
We are so sorry to hear about this abusive behavior. You might consider discussing this behavior with his doctor to find out if there are any interventions you could try to reduce it.
In case it’s helpful, we also have an article with some other things to try – 6 Things to Try Before Using Antipsychotic Medications for Dementia Behaviors https://dailycaring.com/how-to-handle-dementia-behaviors-without-antipsychotic-drugs/
Or, you could call the Alzheimer’s Association at their 24/7 Helpline at 800-272-3900 to find out if their family specialists may have recommendations or ideas on how to manage or reduce this aggressive behavior.
My mom is 86. We figured out magnesium helps with her anger. If she doesn’t take it, she’s mean and vulgar. That has never been my mom. Figure when he gets like this and 30 minutes before that time give him magnesium. Yes my mom’s Drs know about us giving her magnesium. I hope this helps in your situation.
It’s great that you found something that helps reduce your mom’s anger. And it’s even better that her doctor has approved of her taking this supplement.
It’s always recommended to check with the doctor before adding any supplements or over-the-counter medications. For some people, supplements can interact negatively with existing medications or with chronic health conditions.
Yes Diane… I am living the same experience with my mother. And no one understands until they experience it 1st hand! Praying for you; praying for me.
Diane Duran, I Know What You Are Going
Through Because I Go Through The Same Thing With My Husband . HE has PTSD And Dementia . He Doesn’t Hurt Me Physicaly But He Does Abuse Me Verbally And Screams At Me And Acts Like A Narcessist . If I Didn’t Have Jesus In My Life I Couldn’t Make It . God Bless You And Pray For Jesus To Help Him And Give You Some Peace . I Don’t Baby Him And I Let Him Know That I Don’t Appreciate His Behavior , And I Stop Doing The Little Pleasures That He Might Like , When He Treats Me Badly . I Sleep In The Guest Bedroom Most Of The Time So I Can Have Quiet Time To My Self , SoBasically I Distance My Self Away From Him And Ignore Him Whe He Gets In His Ugly Moods . This Works For Me Because It Gives Him Time To Cool Off AndThink About His Behavior , And Then He Seems To Appreciate Me More And What iDo For Him , Because In My Situation I Have To Handle Everything There Needs To Be Done In Running The Home , Driving , Dr Appts , Checking Acct , Shopping , Giving Him His Medication Etc , I Am The Caregiver .
We have finally had enough and made the decision to place my awful, hateful grandmother in a nursing home. We have spent the last seven years caring for her in our home while she rented her home out and gave the money to her addict son (my uncle) and got nothing but venom and false accusations in return. We do realise that her dementia is in part to blame, but she was always a very negative, toxic woman before the dementia. We have chosen a facility close to my uncle so he can visit her (he claimed the distance of 25 minutes was to blame for not seeing her) but I doubt he will once he realizes that her home will have to be sold in order to pay the RAD and there will no longer be $400 a week in rent coming his way. Dementia is a horrible disease, but when someone was always a **** it really doesn’t make a lot of difference.
We’re so sorry to hear that your grandmother has treated you and your family so horribly 🙁 It sounds like her behavior was a consistent part of her personality and adding dementia to that mix only made the situation worse.
It sounds like the decision to move her to a nursing home was necessary. She’ll get the care that she needs and we’re glad that you won’t be exposed to that abuse any longer.
Never leave a dependent person alone with a narcissist claiming to be caring.