How to respond when falsely accused by someone with dementia
It’s common for people with Alzheimer’s disease or dementia to accuse those close to them of theft, mistreatment, or other terrible things.
Cases of true abuse do exist, but more often, these accusations are completely false and are caused by dementia paranoia or delusions.
It’s important to keep reminding yourself that your older adult isn’t saying these things on purpose to hurt you.
The damage in their brain has caused them to strongly believe things that we know aren’t real.
We explain why responding to false accusations with logic and reasoning won’t work and share suggested responses for 4 common dementia accusations: stealing money and things, poisoning, and being held prisoner.
Avoid reasoning and logical explanations
For each of these common accusations, don’t use reason to explain why it’s not true or try to show proof that they’re wrong.
What often works better is to validate what they’re saying and then, redirect to another activity or distract with something pleasant.
Focus on validating the emotion behind their words. Let them know that you understand how they feel and that you want to help resolve the situation. Then, solve the problem if possible, redirect them to another activity, or distract them with something they’re interested in.
To give you ideas and starting points for your own creative answers, we share a variety of suggested responses below.
Each situation and each person with dementia is different, so you’re the best judge of which responses are more likely to work.
It may take a little experimentation to get the hang of the validation and redirection technique, but it gets easier with practice.
Suggested responses to 4 common dementia accusations
1. You stole my money!
Having dementia means giving up control over their own finances.
That loss of control, combined with paranoia or delusions, can cause them to think people are stealing their money.
Suggested responses:
- Oh no, is your money missing? I can see why you’re upset. Don’t worry, I’m going to help you look for it. Let’s start by checking this drawer…
- Oh no, is there money missing? That can be very upsetting. Let’s check your bank statements to make sure it’s all there.
- It sounds like we need to look into this. Let’s go to the bank tomorrow when it’s open to get it straightened out. Since the bank is closed right now, let’s do (an activity they enjoy).
How to help them feel more in control:
- Give them a checkbook (fake/old) to help them “track” their money
- Let them keep a wallet with a small amount of real money (some dollar bills) or realistic-looking fake money
- Keep files of very old bank statements for them to review when they feel anxious
- Let them write checks to pay bills (all fake/old) and secretly shred them later
2. You stole my purse / wallet / glasses / hearing aid / dentures …!
Someone with dementia may accuse you of stealing an item when they can’t find it themselves.
It’s easier to cope with the changes in their brain by saying that someone stole the item rather than admit they can’t find it.
Suggested responses:
- Is (item) missing? I can see why that would upset you. Let’s look over here, I thought I saw it earlier.
- Oh no, I must have put that in the wrong place when I was cleaning earlier. Let me get it for you.
- Oh no, your (item) is missing? I’m so sorry that that happened. Could I look around one more time? It may have just been put somewhere to keep it safe.
How to help them feel more in control:
- Try to find their favorite hiding places for storing items that are frequently “lost” so you can easily find the items.
- Buy copies of frequently “lost” items (if they’re not too expensive) so you can always “find” it quickly without having to spend time looking for it.
3. You’re poisoning me! I’m not going to eat.
Paranoia or delusions can cause someone with dementia to believe that you’re putting poison in their food or drinks.
Suggested responses:
- I understand that you’re feeling afraid, but I want you to know that I would never let anything bad happen to you. Have you tried this chicken? It’s delicious. Let’s have some together and you can tell me more about (a topic or hobby they enjoy).
- While using this or a similar calm response, eat the same meal together or take a bite from their plate to show that it’s safe.
How to help them feel more in control:
- Ask them to join you in the kitchen and “help” prepare the meal so they can see everything you’re doing.
- If there are cooking tasks they’re able to help with, let them participate in the cooking.
4. You’re keeping me prisoner!
For many people with dementia, it’s no longer safe for them to leave the house on their own.
They can easily get lost or injured in an accident. But because they can’t go wherever they want anymore, they may feel like they’re being kept prisoner.
Suggested responses:
- It sounds like you want to go out, where should we go?…Oh really, I love that place too? What do you like best about going there?
- We can go anywhere you like, what did you have in mind?…That’s a great idea! Let’s go after we have lunch. I made your favorite pasta dish, let’s go to the kitchen to eat.
How to help them feel more in control:
- When possible, agree and accompany them when they want to go somewhere.
- If it’s not possible to go out, agree and pretend to help them get ready to go. While pretending to get ready to go out, subtly redirect them to an activity they enjoy.
Recommended for you:
- 8 Ways to Deal with False Dementia Accusations
- 3 Ways to Respond When Someone with Alzheimer’s Says I Want to Go Home
- Therapeutic Fibbing: Why Experts Recommend Lying to Someone with Dementia
By DailyCaring Editorial Team
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anthony martin therrien
I have never argued with my mother and had a great time visiting with her. But a sibling had got upset because the POA was revoked due to 20 years of financial abuse. The bank staff had suggested that I be pe placed on her account so the sibling could not access card. I was arrested after the first purchase buying supplies to fix our rental properties. And the first court date I received a criminal protection order. Now I face felony charges and now I will not be able to speak to my mother. Oh yeah the rental properties are sold and I got 30 day notice. And I have durable POA and trust is mine. But now sibling is stealing everything. Not right!!!
DailyCaring
We’re sorry to hear that this has happened! You might want to contact an attorney to help you fix this situation. If you’re interested in free or low-cost legal help, we’ve got an article here with more information – https://dailycaring.com/7-sources-of-free-legal-services-for-seniors/
Cheryl
I have a 97 year old mom she has COPD pacemaker and has been in pretty good health til recently. She couldn’t breath and was haveing rapid flucuateing heart beat up to 200 heart beats a minute. I took her to a hospital that was just wonderful to her in the ER. Her cardiologist we never saw. But he called and adviced the nurse to give her more of her medication to double the dose. They did and we came home. The following night around 3 am it started all over again so I got dressed put her in my car and made it a block away and decided to go back home and call 911 . They arrived with in minutes and I asked for them to please take her to the same
Hospital we had already been to. One paramedic said no problem. Another shortly came to me saying they had to take her to a closer hospital and I could have her transferred. That was the law! I followed the ambulance and when I got there I wasn’t allowed in because of COVID . I then tried calling for medical staff person to let me in since I knew what was happening to my 97year old mom. They let me in to a private room with a door there she was. The nurse came in and said my mom had COVID. THEY admitted her and I couldn’t see her for 2 days. No doctor ever called. The nurses would call and say she was not behaving and restraining her I finally got her out on the 3 rd day with a whole lot of different meds. Brought her home and she is a different person very angry and confused. And remembering things that were very old or dead I was calm talking to her but she just gets more angry. Late last night she
Got up and started choking me and then slapped in the face I just came to my room and tried to rest not getting much sleep as she’s wandering the house angry at everything. She finally went to room and closed the
Door. Please advice me what to do my brother lives 3 hours away and my sister lives in another state. I don’t know how to handle my mom please tell me what to do
DailyCaring
The first thing we’d suggest is to have her visit her regular doctor for a thorough exam. Let them know what happened and tell them about the symptoms you’re currently observing. Also ask them to do a full review of all her current medications and supplements. Sometimes, new medications like those prescribed in the hospital, can cause negative side effects. Or, there might be something else going on that’s causing this new alarming behavior.
Jerry
Hospice showed up three days before my dad’s passing. They really didn’t do anything for him. But what was nice was when he passed I didn’t have to call 911 and have the fire dept dispatched and have a police officer show up and ask a hundred questions and wait for the medical examiner to realease the remains The hospice nurse prononounces the death and they connect the funeral service.
We went through that with my mom. Funnt thing is when my mom was sent home to die they said the hospice nurse would arrive the next day. Mom died that night. Because hospice dispatched oxygen I thought we were in the clear. We stayed with mom’s body and said our prayers. We went to bed (it was 2am) thinking we call the hospice nurse. The next morning i call hospice…they said “you haven’t signed the paperwork yet. Call 911” Jeez…Now we had to explain to the fire dept and cop why we waited seven hours before reporting her death. Luckily the cop was a nice man and he could relate having lost his mom just 6 months prior. But it was a long morning.
DailyCaring
We’re sorry for your losses and sad to hear that happened with the hospice company after your mom had passed. That’s definitely a complication that you need during an already difficult time.
SCR
I’m the POA for my grandma and she constantly thinks she is in the wrong place when she’s in her room. Sometimes she thinks she’s at my place and needs me to pick her up. Sometimes she thinks she’s totally lost. When I try to reassure her that she is in her room at the nursing home, she becomes angry. Within these conversations, she will even tell me that she needs to go to a nursing home. Prior to the pandemic, I could go over to calm her, but now she is getting worse and rarely recognizes the staff. I imagine masks and face shields don’t help, but she’s mostly blind. She cannot walk, but will try to get out of bed, which could lead to falls. She becomes angry and screams at the staff or my husband. I try to explain to her about the pandemic or use the pandemic as the reason why I can’t come pick her up or buy her a bus pass. Should I tell the staff to get her dressed and act like they are taking her somewhere? That’s A LOT of effort – she needs a hoyer lift. I’m grateful for any input.
DailyCaring
The lack of in-person visiting to prevent the spread of Covid-19 certainly makes it more difficult to communicate with someone who has dementia.
In case it’s helpful, we’ve got an article that may help with setting up a video calling system that someone with dementia would be able to use more easily. More info here – Best Way to Make Video Calls to Seniors with Alzheimer’s or Dementia in Nursing Homes https://dailycaring.com/best-way-to-make-video-calls-to-seniors-with-alzheimers-or-dementia-in-nursing-homes-during-coronavirus/
It’s tough to reassure someone over the phone, but we’ve got a couple of articles with suggestions that you could try:
– 3 Ways to Respond When Someone with Alzheimer’s Says I Want to Go Home https://dailycaring.com/when-someone-with-alzheimers-says-i-want-to-go-home-3-ways-to-respond/
– Therapeutic Fibbing: Why Experts Recommend Lying to Someone with Dementia https://dailycaring.com/why-experts-recommend-lying-to-someone-with-dementia/
It may be confusing or scary for her to hear about the pandemic or other logical explanations. Experiment and be creative to find some responses and techniques that will help her feel calmer.
LB
Excellent article. I really benefited from it. I’d like to see a date since things are changing so fast.
DailyCaring
Thanks for the feedback! So glad you found this article helpful.
Mary Artis
Today was the first day I felt attacked by my Mom’s accusations. I raised my voice which I have never done even before the onset of her Dementia. My Dad is dying from chronic health conditions and a blood infection from bed sores. They have very poor finances which has placed me in a difficult situation to provide for his care. So when Mom accused me of not consulting her and placing Dad on hospice after stating she did not like hospice, all the emotions of these situations came up. I felt so bad after raising my voice and hearing her say, you are yelling at me, I literally cried. I am crying now as I write this. I am losing my best friends.
DailyCaring
So sorry that this is happening 😥 It’s a stressful situation to be in so it’s understandable that you’d lose your patience. You’ve done an amazing job of caring for both your parents, but we’re all only human and nerves are bound to get stretched too thin from time to time.
In case it’s helpful, we have some additional tips on responding to accusations — 8 Ways to Deal with False Dementia Accusations https://dailycaring.com/8-ways-to-deal-with-false-dementia-accusations/
It may also be helpful to join a virtual caregiver support group. It’s helpful to hear from others in similar situations as well as to share your own experiences if you feel comfortable doing so. More info here — 11 Private Support Groups for Caregivers on Facebook https://dailycaring.com/support-groups-for-caregivers-on-facebook/
Patty
My long time partner is always accusing me of taking his keys, wallet, money I make more I have more and do not need his money but he’s constantly accusing me today I yelled at him “I do NOT HAVE YOUR PHONE WALLET OR MONEY! “But instead of hearing money he heard mommy and said he should punch me for bringing up his mother I never in my life refered to his mother as mommy I said “money” is this onset of dementia? His mom always accused him of taking her money they use to get into violent arguments about money till her dying day she kept accusing him of taking her money.
DailyCaring
We’re so sorry to hear that this has been happening. It’s really tough when someone makes false accusations. Hopefully some of the suggestions in the above article can help calm the situation.
Without a thorough medical evaluation, it’s not possible to determine if someone has dementia or not. You may want to have your partner go for a comprehensive checkup with his doctor and you may want to privately alert the doctor to your concerns ahead of time so they’ll have it in mind.
There are treatable health conditions that can cause dementia-like symptoms. More info here:
– 8 Treatable Diseases That Mimic Dementia https://dailycaring.com/8-treatable-diseases-that-mimic-dementia/
– 7 Treatable Health Conditions with Symptoms Similar to Dementia https://dailycaring.com/7-treatable-health-conditions-with-symptoms-similar-to-dementia/
Here’s how doctors typically diagnose dementia – How Is Dementia Diagnosed? A Geriatric Doctor Explains https://dailycaring.com/how-is-dementia-diagnosed-a-geriatrician-explains/
This article may also be helpful as you manage their accusations – 8 Ways to Deal with False Dementia Accusations https://dailycaring.com/8-ways-to-deal-with-false-dementia-accusations/
LB
Don’t do hospice if you can help it.. I’m so sorry to take their side when you’re doing everything but it killed my dad literally for my mom to bring them into his sanctuary behind his back when he couldn’t fight back. Someone walked in and he died. This is not the time to pinch pennies, this is certainly as important as birth which we celebrate every year. I didn’t think much about these things and then my mom got dementia and of her three children I was the only one to help, for free I might add so your comments about money struck home /u can’t do everything. I lived with her and did everything. At first she accused me of freeloading lol! but that went away soon. When it became too much I went and slept wherever she did. I’m so glad I did it. We had issues like so many and this solved them. This is how it should be.
DailyCaring
We’re so sorry to hear that your family had such a poor experience with hospice.
Every family situation is different, so while hospice might be a wonderful option for some, it may not work for others.
In case it’s helpful, we’ve got an article with key questions to ask when considering hospice to see if it would be a good fit for the situation – Choosing a Hospice Provider: Important Questions to Ask https://dailycaring.com/choosing-a-hospice-provider-important-questions-to-ask/