If you’ve ever had a loved one in long-term care like an assisted living facility or a nursing home, the saddest five words you’ll ever hear are, “I want to go home.” How do you handle this, you may ask? Delicately is probably the best answer I have for this one. Let’s explore expert advice on handling this most challenging request…
3 Tips For When Someone With Alzheimer’s Says “I Want to go Home”
Hearing someone say “I want to go home” over and over again is something Alzheimer’s disease and dementia caregivers often deal with.
It’s incredibly frustrating to hear when they’re already home.
But when someone has dementia, it simply doesn’t work to use logic to explain that they’re already home or that they can’t go back to a previous home.
Instead, responding in a way that comforts and calms your older adult is more helpful.
We explain why someone would keep asking to go home and share three soothing ways to respond that help them let go of the idea.
Why someone with dementia asks to go home
Alzheimer’s disease and dementia damage the brain and cause a person to experience the world in different ways.
So, what we hear as “I want to go home” is often a request for comfort rather than asking to go somewhere.
The kindest thing to do is to meet them where they are, focus on comfort and reassurance, and respond to the emotions behind their request.
The goal is to reduce your older adult’s anxiety or fear so they can let go of the idea.
Helping them calm down also allows you to check if discomfort, pain, or a physical need is causing this behavior.
3 kind, calming ways to respond to “I want to go home”
These suggestions will put you on the right track, but it’s a good idea to get creative and come up with responses that are tailored for your older adult’s history, personality, and preferences.
1. Reassure and comfort to validate their needs
Sometimes, saying “I want to go home” is how your older adult tells you they’re tense, anxious, scared, or need extra comfort.
By responding calmly and positively, you’ll validate their needs and feelings. This helps them feel understood and supported.
Approach your older adult in a calm, soothing, and relaxed manner. If you remain calm, it often helps them calm down too.
If they like hugs, this is a good time for them. Others may prefer gently touching or stroking their arms or shoulders or simply having you sit with them.
Another way of giving extra comfort and reassurance is to provide them with a soothing blanket, therapy doll, or stuffed animal.
2. Avoid reasoning and explanations
Trying to use reason and logic isn’t recommended when someone has a brain disease. It will only make them more insistent, agitated, and upset.
Don’t try to explain that they’re in their own home, assisted living is now their home, or they moved in with you 3 years ago.
They won’t be able to process that information and will feel like you’re not listening, you don’t care, or that you’re stopping them from doing something that’s important to them.
3. Validate, redirect, and distract
Being able to redirect and distract is an effective dementia care technique. It’s a skill that improves with practice, so don’t feel discouraged if the first few attempts don’t work perfectly.
First, agree and validate.
Agree by saying something like “Ok, we’ll go soon.” or “That’s a good idea. We’ll go as soon as I clean up these dishes.” This calms the situation because you’re not telling them they’re wrong.
Next, redirect and distract.
After agreeing, subtly redirect their attention. This redirection should lead to pleasant and distracting activities that distract their mind from wanting to go home.
For example, you could gently take their elbow while saying, “Ok, we’ll go soon,” and walk down the hall together to a big window or to the kitchen. Point out some beautiful birds and flowers outside or offer a snack or drink they like. Later, casually shift to another activity that’s part of their daily routine.
Another example is saying, “Ok, let’s get your sweater so you won’t be cold when we go outside.” Then, while walking to get the sweater and chatting about something pleasant, stop for a cup of tea or get involved in an activity they enjoy.
Or, ask them to tell you about their home. After a while, guide the conversation to a neutral topic.
Asking about their home validates their feelings, encourages them to share positive memories, and distracts them from their original goal of going home. Open questions that enable them to share their thoughts work well.
For example:
- Your home sounds lovely, tell me more about it.
- What’s the first thing you will do when you get home?
- What is your favorite room in the house?
What to do if they refuse to let go of the idea
Sometimes, your older adult will refuse to let go of the idea of going home, no matter how much you try to soothe or redirect.
If that happens, you might need to agree to take them home and then go for a brief car ride.
Experiment with how long it takes to take them home without protest. Or, suggest a stop at the ice cream shop, drugstore, or grocery store to distract and redirect.
If taking them out or getting into the car is impossible, even getting ready to leave can still be soothing. This will show that you agree with them and are helping to achieve their goal.
Meanwhile, getting ready gives you more chances to distract and redirect you to something else.
Keep in mind that not everything you try will work the first time. And even if something works once, it might not work the next time.
Do your best to stay calm, flexible, and creative – this technique gets easier with practice.
Recommended for you:
- Therapeutic Fibbing: Why Experts Recommend Lying to Someone with Dementia
- 7 Ways to Reduce Dementia Sundowning Symptoms
- 3 Stages of Dementia: What to Expect as the Disease Progresses
About the Author
Connie Chow
Connie was a hands-on caregiver for her grandmother for 20 years. (Grandma made it to 101 years old!) She knows how challenging, overwhelming, and all-consuming caring for an older adult can be. She also knows how important support is — especially in the form of practical solutions, valuable resources, and self-care tips.
I have run many homes for people living with dementia, and have often been confronted with …”I want to go home” For me it had only one answer – Get Into their World. Don’t try to bring them back to reality!
One patient used to say that she wanted to go home, to a house a short distance away from the care home… But her home was actually hundreds of miles away/ She also wished to join her dad at home… although he had already died some years ago .
My simple answer was… “Coincidently, I have phoned your Dad this morning and he told me that they were away on holiday for a short while. When they return he will phone us, and we can arrange a visit.”
This soothing lie worked fine!
And it was far better than telling her that he had died, in which case every time I informed her of that sad news she would grieve.
Get into their world… do not try to bring them back to reality!!!
BETTER THE LIE THAT SOOTHES THAN THE TRUTH THAT HURTS
These are wonderful approaches! Thank you for sharing
my mother from time to time would say she wants to go home. i can’t quite figure out where she wants to go to since we have not moved anywhere since 1989. and this is the house she picked and bought herself.
if i have time (which i usually do) and it is not a strange time of the day like 2-3 am, i would take her out for a drive. she mostly remembers the scenery, the neighbourhood etc. she can mostly recognize which road is which although she can’t quite figure out how we got there (to be fair, the way to get around changed quite a bit since they built multiple apartment complexes nearby). at times i just go to the next town over which we frequent and she recognizes most of the things. i would continue for half to an hour before going back home. and when we get home, she instantly recognizes her house and get in as normal.
Going for a drive is a wonderful way to respond when your mother says she wants to go home 💜 It sounds like a pleasant way for her to reminisce and feel “at home” again
I have a 93 year old Grandmother that was always alone (she lived in her home for 60 years) and always took care of herself. She was an hour from me and I would visit with her a couple times a month.
Being by herself was becoming a burden for her, though she would rarely share any complaints. The tip offs were bad smells in the house, spills in the kitchen. She would literally take up her entire day cleaning up her own accidents. Sometimes we would catch her off guard and could see the painstakingly slow and tedious measures she would take to still care for herself.
My uncle, her son, had been planning to take her to his home (3 hours away) and very rural (she was in tight suburban area). She had a fall on her front lawn which broke a bone in her lower back (near tailbone). A closer family member went by and helped her inside, called an ambulance, and she spend a few nights in the hospital. My uncle then sped up his planning to make arrangements for her to stay in a rehab facility close to him, and then brought her to his home.
He has done so much for her… made her own space – a room converted fully to bedroom/living area. Cooks and serves 3 meals a day for her, but it is just him and his girlfriend there. My grandmother cannot warm to his girlfriend (cannot or refuses to remember her name), and my Uncle takes her dislike in being there to heart. When he is frustrated, he is very reactionary and can get very mean (I wasn’t even speaking with him at the time that the move occurred, and had to put our personal grievances past us for the sake of my Grandmother’s situation).
I’ve been trying to support them both from afar, but I don’t get much from him… oh, he’ll complain and talk when I call, and I do my very best to talk him off the ledge. I know how stubborn my Grandmother can be. She’s always been a conspiracy theorist as long as I can remember. Always drama and hiding information from others (“Noone can know”) that type of stuff.
But now, it’s been about 4-5 months (I’ve only been able to visit once since she’s been there), and she finds every opportunity when he isn’t home to call me and tell me how it’s like she is in a prison and she wants to just run away and how she wants to go back to her home. She does NOT want to be there.
He has nurses coming every day. Keeps her clean (he is VERY tidy), and I just don’t know what to do. She called me today asking about a lawyer. She is upset over having signed everything over to him and wants her money and wants control of her own life. She cannot let go and let someone else care for her.
I just don’t know what to do. While she may have dimentia, it is so difficult to relate to the stories on here because she is so very stubborn, willful, and still very much in control of her faculties (just has a failing body and memory).
I want her to be happy, and I feel very powerless.
This sounds like a complex situation. And unfortunately, there aren’t any simple solutions or “right” answers in challenging situations like these.
If your grandmother does have dementia, it means that her judgement is impaired, not just that she has trouble with memory. If that’s the case, then her decisions won’t be sound and she may not understand why she can’t live on her own. It sounds like she was having trouble with the activities of daily living before she moved in with your uncle.
Perhaps you could visit her once in a while to observe the situation and see how things are going. It sounds like you can only get a partial idea of what’s going on through phone calls. And it sounds like regularly talking with her on the phone lets her know that you’re there to support her and gives her someone to vent to.
My mom had alzheimer’s. She would call me and tell me dad had kidnapped her, etc. I had an aunt that was a nurse that told us about a hospital in a small town not too far away that had a senior behavioral health unit where they keep patients (in my mom’s case, a week), running tests and trying different medications. Mom was there in 2006. That gave her a much better 6 months until leukemia came on strong and that meant everything went downhill for her.
BTW: My mom always wanted to go home. We lived a 1/2 mile away from the home where she grew up and would drive her there. It was overgrown. 99% of the time that helped, but the 1%, she said it wasn’t her home. In 2012, my husband went into sudden cardiac arrest at home, which at the time had an 8% survival rate, but 100% had brain injury in varying degrees based on individual situations. He did the same for the first year after the SCA wanting to see his home and his business. I made many trips. It always helped. Not something you can do though with long distances.
It’s great that your aunt knew about that behavioral health unit and they were able to find the right combination of medications to help your mom and improve her quality of life for as long as possible.
Driving by “home” (when possible), is a great tip that can help in some cases, thank you for sharing your experience!
I have been caring for my father, 93, the past month in my home. This site has been valuable to me as I am beginning to see new behaviours with my dad that I was concerned about. I’m glad that I have already been following some of the advice and many are strategies that came natural to me. It is very calming for him to reminisce, especially about home. Thank you.
You’re very welcome, we’re so glad that our articles have been helpful as you care for your father 💜
My Mother used to say that, now unfortunately she doesnt even ask that. I would go on a walk with her outside and ask her where she lived, she told me our address and we looked for the numbers on the house till we found it. Sometimes we went down the block to ready the number of the street sign and then looked for the number of our house. 95% of the time that did it. For the other 5%, I would ask her where she lived and if she said her parents address, which is in another state and they’re not alive, I distracted her by talking to her or singing to her. Singing and music always helps for everything with my Mother.
She is scared and lost and doesn’t know what is going on. Imagine being in the middle of a field that has miles and miles of land around you, it is dark and there’s a tiny light very far off, you walk that way but no matter how far you walk, it is still miles and miles away. You would also be scared.
She is the best and the kindest person in the world and she doesn’t deserve this.
It’s wonderful that you found positive, uplifting ways to help your mother feel comforted when she felt lost or scared 💜
Yes Jacob, she is scared and lost and doesn’t know what is going on. I’m glad she has you, her loving son.
This information was very helpful for me because that is one of the things he says I want to go home
We’re so glad this article is helpful!
My mom is 89 and believes she has small kids and wants to pick them up, and this being on going for months and won’t stop talking about her kids
Hopefully the suggestions in this article will help with your mom’s need to pick up her children. Validate her feelings and work towards redirecting her attention to another activity.
This article about managing hallucinations may also be helpful – 10 Ways to Respond to Dementia Hallucinations in Seniors https://dailycaring.com/10-ways-to-respond-to-dementia-hallucinations-in-seniors/
My dad was diagnosed 4 years ago ,it’s like he gave up ,doesn’t want to do anything ,won’t listen to music colour,read all suggested by doctors won’t even go for a walk just stares at the floor but he’s getting aggressive this is hard on my mum because she also has 2 grandchildren in her care , he asks my mum when her shift has finished ,what time are you going home etc he thinks he’s in a care home ….as soon as my mum goes out of the room he changes makes comments at the children even grabed my nephew by the wrist ,threatened to hurt him . He also threatened to kill himself . Wants to go out late at night. Told my mum she’s not looking after him properly which is not the case she’s being doing that for 49 years .he followers my mum around even to the bathroom .
I’m so sorry to hear what’s happening. Dementia is hard on everyone, especially the person who has it.
These articles might be helpful in finding solutions to these challenges:
– When Depression and Dementia Collide https://dailycaring.com/when-depression-and-dementia-collide/
– 8 Ways to Deal with False Dementia Accusations https://dailycaring.com/8-ways-to-deal-with-false-dementia-accusations/
– 6 Things to Try Before Using Antipsychotic Medications for Dementia Behaviors https://dailycaring.com/how-to-handle-dementia-behaviors-without-antipsychotic-drugs/
– 7 Ways to Reduce and Prepare for Aggressive Dementia Behaviors https://dailycaring.com/7-ways-to-reduce-and-prepare-for-aggressive-dementia-behaviors/
– 14 Ways of Dealing with Aggressive Behavior in Dementia https://dailycaring.com/14-ways-of-dealing-with-aggressive-behavior-in-dementia/
– 9 Ways to Reduce Anger in Dementia https://dailycaring.com/9-ways-to-reduce-anger-in-dementia/
– Alzheimer’s and Fear of Being Alone: 5 Ways for Caregivers to Cope https://dailycaring.com/alzheimers-and-fear-of-being-alone-5-ways-for-caregivers-to-cope/
So happy to have found this site
Thanks, we’re so glad our articles are helpful!
Sometimes your elders are expressing their spiritual desire.
There birth families are deceased their friends are deceased in many cases so to are their children.They want to go home to the other side
Many times they have already made the break with their house its why they claim it isn’t theirs even though it is.
Part of what you are seeing isn’t dementia but facing mortality.This is made worse by this diagnosis especially if inaccurate.Imagine facing mortality while being treated like a 5 year old.You would resent it may cuss someone out and more.Try to treat them like the adults they are until you literally have no other choice.
I can relate to all this…My mother is 93..she had a slight stroke in December of 2021…she was in rehab and was getting much better almost ready to go home..she fell and fractured her pelvic..things just got worse..it’s like her mind just went out the door…it has been so heartbreaking…every day is a challenge for both of us…she has lived with me since my dad passed in 2012…but really doesn’t know where she is…
Too sad, The main thing when sick is to never lose heart.
I agree mr weaver
I understand what you are saying about a person wanting to go home but if that person is going on and on about going home to see there mam and dad who died years ago and gets out the door after I have done every thing you suggest what convinces them now that they are home you have to live with some one 24 hours a day to know what it is like.
It can be tough to find ways to distract someone from these thoughts and some people can be more persistent than others. Unfortunately, the only answer is to keep trying different things and to keep distracting and redirecting.
These tips that help protect them against accidentally leaving the house unsupervised may be helpful as you continue to try different ways to refocus their attention – 8 Ways to Prevent Alzheimer’s Wandering https://dailycaring.com/8-ways-to-prevent-alzheimers-wandering/
These articles may also be helpful as you try to find different responses that may help with distraction:
– Therapeutic Fibbing: Why Experts Recommend Lying to Someone with Dementia https://dailycaring.com/why-experts-recommend-lying-to-someone-with-dementia/
– Solve Challenging Alzheimer’s Behaviors with Expert Communication Tips https://dailycaring.com/video-difficult-alzheimers-behaviors-solved-with-expert-communication-tips/
– Why a Daily Routine Is Important for Seniors: 3 Top Benefits https://dailycaring.com/why-routine-is-important-for-seniors/
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Absolutely, that’s so important 💜
My husband constantly tells me he wants to go home. I ask him his address and he told me the correct address. I asked him what his house looked like and he described the outside of the previous house he lived at. Then I asked him what the inside looked like and he described his childhood home. So he has 3 places combined into one. He has lived at this address for over 40 years so time means nothing. Most of the time he is talking about his childhood home and thinks he is 15 years old and me (thinking I am his mother) are waiting for his dad to come home from work. I tell him the truth that the house across from the school was were he grew up and he moved from there when he was 19 and got married. Then, of course, he wants to know who lives there and I again tell him the truth, that a young couple with children live there and are taking very good care of the home. He like others gets in a loop so I may have to do this for an hour but as long as this is what I need to do I will. He follows me around the house as well but that is ok. He has his job like folding towels and checking the weather on tv and other simple task. He needs to feel like he is contributing as well with jobs. I always carry on how folding that load of clothes helped me so much. Get lots of smiles with that.
Those are wonderful, patient responses! Thanks for sharing your tips.
Love this you are doing a good job!
EXCELLENT website!!!!!! Helpful information, and guidance provided in such a caring and accessible manner.
Thank you so much! We’re so glad our articles are helpful!
Wonderful helpful email.If anyone has any more tips with coping during evening time and wanting to go home.Would really appreciate.Thank you once again.
Thanks for the kind feedback and support!
We also have two articles with suggestions on managing sundowning, which generally refers to dementia symptoms that increase during the evening:
– 7 Ways to Reduce Dementia Sundowning Symptoms https://dailycaring.com/7-ways-to-reduce-dementia-sundowning-symptoms/
– 7 More Ways to Manage Dementia Sundowning Symptoms https://dailycaring.com/7-more-ways-to-manage-dementia-sundowning-symptoms/
86 year old husband. I’ve grown to hate him. Before Alzheimer’s expected everyone to do for him. Now still expects everyone to do for him. Won’t try to dress, toilet or do anything but sit in chair. Is in assisted living and they say the same. He is like a leech and slug. How do we deal with him. People say put notes up but he doesn’t understand what the words mean. He doesn’t know where his room is and aways complains to go home. And that will never happen!
Depending on the stage of his Alzheimer’s disease, the disease may be the cause of his current behavior. It’s possible that he no longer has the cognitive ability to do these everyday tasks. We share more info about the stages of dementia here – 3 Stages of Dementia: What to Expect as the Disease Progresses https://dailycaring.com/3-stages-of-dementia-what-to-expect/
Since he may not be able to understand reason and logic, you may want to use redirection and distraction when he asks to go home. Hopefully the tips in this article will be helpful.
What a coincidence. This just happened this morning with my Mom. I just caressed her shoulders, kissed her and assured her that she was home (in the house she’s lived in over 40 years). She was fine after about 10 to 15 minutes.
I’m caring for my Mom alone and will not place her in a facility until I absolutely cannot do it anymore myself. I do it out of love.
That’s a wonderful way to respond! 💜💜
I’m taking care of a 90-year-old female dementia patient she always wants to go home to Oklahoma and always wants her sons to come to visit her but two sons has already died this year 2020 and she said she didn’t know nobody told her that her two sons had died but she doesn’t understand that she lives with her son in in his house and he’s taking care of her she don’t rememberThat her son brought her from Oklahoma to live with him I told her over and over and she keeps on asking please help me how to answer her
Hopefully the tips in the above article will help you respond when she says she wants to go home to Oklahoma. Sometimes it can help to not directly answer her, but to ask open-ended questions to get her to express more of what she’s thinking about.
We’ve also got an article with suggestions for how to answer when she asks about her two sons that have passed away – Therapeutic Fibbing: Why Experts Recommend Lying to Someone with Dementia https://dailycaring.com/why-experts-recommend-lying-to-someone-with-dementia/
My 91 y-o grandmother is convinced her mother is alive. I lie all day long, telling her I just spoke with her while grandma was sleeping, that she’s well, that she’ll call tomorrow. It settles her down until she forgets and asks again. But why put her through the catastrophic grief of losing a parent every hour? Why do that to anyone? I recommend telling the patient that her sons are well, that they’re visiting as soon as they get a vacation from work, and that they send their love.
These are wonderful, compassionate responses! Thanks for sharing these kind suggestions.
Thank you for all of your love, concern, and care for your parent! I do this as well for my dad and am planning to continue doing it for the long-haul.