When a loved one with Alzheimer’s repeatedly asks, “When are we going home?” or “Where is my mother?” it can feel like a heartbreaking test. Your instinct to provide a logical, factual answer often leads to more confusion, frustration, or agitation for both of you.
These repetitive questions aren’t about seeking information—they’re a window into an underlying emotional need for comfort and security. Learning to respond with empathy rather than facts can transform these challenging moments into opportunities for connection and peace.
Here’s How to Answer Difficult Questions from Seniors with Alzheimer’s Disease
Alzheimer’s disease or dementia can cause seniors to get confused and forget key details about their lives.
This might mean that your older adult asks sensitive questions that are difficult to answer.
The Center for Dementia Care at Seniors At Home, the in-home care division of Jewish Family and Children’s Services, shares tips for what to say if you find yourself having one of these three tough conversations.
How to Respond to the Tough Questions from Alzheimer’s Sufferers
1. How do I tell my mother, who has dementia, that a relative is dying or has passed away?
You should first consider whether knowing that will actually benefit your mom.
What would she do with that information? Would she remember if you told her the truth? Or would she get upset, forget about it, and later ask, only to get upset all over again?
Depending on where someone is in the disease, giving them upsetting news may not be suitable for them or you. If they’re still able to process and retain that information, you might want to tell them.
But if their short-term memory is poor and they get easily upset or scared, it will probably be better to avoid the subject or even tell a fib. That helps you avoid hurting them with information they can’t fully understand.
Another thing to think about is whether sharing this news is really for them or if it’s more for yourself. For many, it can be about easing the guilt of “withholding” information.
But when someone has dementia, you shouldn’t feel guilty about not giving them news that will only upset or scare them.
They won’t be able to work through their feelings the way you would, so not telling them is actually kinder and more appropriate for the situation.
2. How should I respond to the painful emotional questions my mother repeatedly asks?
The best approach is to focus on the emotion behind the question, rather than the actual words she’s using.
Avoid correcting, contradicting, or confronting her. Instead, consider joining her reality and meeting the needs she can’t communicate.
For example, a person who asks about their mother (who is deceased) might be searching for someone or something to comfort them.
In this situation, offer a hug, a blanket, or a favorite snack. Gently encourage her to talk about what her mother looked like, felt like, and about conversations they had.
Another example is if someone with dementia constantly asks about your husband (who you divorced years ago).
You could give a generic answer like, “Fred? He’s doing great.” Then, calmly change the subject by saying, “There are so many great memories; let’s look at some family photos.” Get some family photos and look at their favorites – avoiding any with your ex-husband in them.
3. I don’t understand what they’re saying because it doesn’t make any sense
The most important thing is to respond calmly, pleasantly, and positively to whatever he’s saying.
Avoid quizzes or asking questions that require them to remember things – in fact, it’s best to eliminate the word “remember” from your vocabulary entirely.
Instead, engage their other senses in the present moment.
Look through photos so they can reminisce without pressure, get engaged in a fun or soothing activity, try aromatherapy, give them a gentle massage, or listen to some favorite music.
Final Thoughts
Mastering this compassionate approach takes practice, but it ultimately transforms moments of distress into opportunities for meaningful connection. Remember, you’re not lying or being condescending—you’re meeting your loved one where they are and providing what they truly need: reassurance and emotional safety.
By focusing on the feeling behind the question rather than the facts, you can reduce their anxiety and preserve the trust and bond you share. This shift in perspective is one of the most powerful tools you can use to navigate the communication challenges of dementia with grace and love.
Recommended for you:
- How to Understand and Manage Dementia Behaviors: A Comprehensive Guide
- 10 Ways to Respond to Dementia Hallucinations in Seniors
- “I Want to Go Home” in Alzheimer’s: Try 3 Kind Responses
Guest expert: Seniors At Home helps older adults live independently and provides peace of mind to their families. We partner with you to solve problems, enhance the quality of life, and provide a safe and supportive living environment. Our comprehensive services include non-medical home care, geriatric care management, palliative care, dementia care, fiduciary services, and more.
Thank you so much for all your info!!!! I really appreciated it – my husband (76 years) has DEMENTIA – I firstly felt very annoyed because of his anger, but today I’ve taken time to read your info – I really feel uplifting and feel much more positive!!!!!!
We’re so glad our articles are helpful! It is a challenge to stay calm when someone with dementia is expressing anger. We’ve got some articles that might be helpful:
– Dementia and Anger: 9 Calming Strategies https://dailycaring.com/9-ways-to-reduce-anger-in-dementia/
– 8 Ways to Deal with False Dementia Accusations https://dailycaring.com/8-ways-to-deal-with-false-dementia-accusations/
– 7 Ways to Reduce and Manage Mean Dementia Behavior https://dailycaring.com/7-ways-to-respond-to-mean-dementia-behavior/
– Untreated Pain in Dementia: Signs, Causes, and Treatments https://dailycaring.com/untreated-pain-in-dementia-signs-causes-and-treatments/
– Keeping a Dementia Journal Makes Caregiving Easier: 7 Things to Track https://dailycaring.com/keeping-a-dementia-journal-makes-caregiving-easier-7-things-to-track/
I’m trying to learn as .much as I can about this terrible disease
.Thank you for all your great info you have been shooting my way
k.s. 😉
You’re very welcome! So glad our articles are helpful.
Hello. I am the friend of a gal who’s 87 yr old father has Alzheimer’s. I recently started running errands with him 3 days a week. We go have coffee (hopefully bump into friends), go to the bank (even if to just get balance), and then to the store (if nothing but for exercise)
I try to drag these tasks out so that we don’t spend much time at home. He does get antsy and eager to finish sometimes.
Here’s my dilemma: he finds me VERY attractive and tells me so often. The other day he asked to sit next to me (as he truly does care for me as a friend as well), I allowed him. Only for a brief moment was it okay. He then began to rub my arms brushing against my breasts and he told me to tell him if he went to far. I matter of factly informed him that he had done so and that I am married. I then told him we should check the back yard for bees. (It’s a whole story of the bees but they are gone) He agreed and my plan worked to distract him. Shortly after I left.
I don’t know how to tell my friend. This has been awful for her and I don’t want to make it worse with embarrassment. Im going to try some of the games y’all had listed so maybe I can avoid the situation if we are at his home again.
Thank you for letting me vent this.
– Rachel
It’s wonderful that you’re helping your friend with her father. I’m sure he enjoys the outings even if he is behaving inappropriately.
Unfortunately, inappropriate sexual behavior does happen when someone has Alzheimer’s. You’re doing a great job by distracting him when he starts acting that way.
We’ve got an article that explains why and offers additional suggestions for how to handle it — 9 Ways to Handle Alzheimer’s and Sexually Inappropriate Behavior https://dailycaring.com/9-ways-to-handle-alzheimers-and-sexually-inappropriate-behavior/
A few days after my mum’s funeral, I went to visit her dear friend, who was bedridden. We had decided not to tell her about my mum as she had also lost her son and was broken hearted.
When my Mum’s friend asked me how my mother was doing I told her quite honestly, “she is resting!” That answer satisfied her concern about her best friend, and I did not have to tell a fib either! Her friend’s health deteriorated shortly after that and she passed away about a month later. I bet they were surprised to see each other!
May both their souls rest in peace.
That was a lovely way to handle the situation and give your mum’s dear friend peace of mind ❤️