One of the most delicate dances in caregiving is knowing when to step in and when to step back. You want to ensure your loved one’s safety and well-being, but you also don’t want to diminish their confidence and autonomy inadvertently.
This push-and-pull between providing support and encouraging independence is at the heart of sustainable, respectful care. The goal isn’t to do everything for them, but to empower them to do what they can for themselves.
Let’s explore four thoughtful ways to provide a safety net that doesn’t become a cage, fostering their independence while giving you both greater peace of mind.
How much help is too much? Finding a balance is essential
When an older adult starts needing help with everyday activities, we naturally want to provide as much assistance as possible.
We do this. We want them to be safe, because we feel it’s our duty, or because we don’t want them to worry about getting through day-to-day life.
But sometimes, these thoughtful instincts could backfire.
As Dr. Barry J. Jacobs writes about caring for his mother, “With all my best intentions and concerted energies, I mostly succeeded in curbing her independence and squelching her spirit. She didn’t see me as her caring son so much as the overbearing usurper of roles she cherished.”
Sometimes in our eagerness to keep our older adult safe, we end up helping too much.
But because our older adult is declining in ability or is going through good days and bad, it’s essential to find a balance between helping too much and too little.
In his AARP article, Dr. Jacobs recommends four ways to help while also encouraging senior independence. Here, we highlight his key points.
4 ways to provide support while encouraging senior independence
1. Talk and plan together
Before your older adult needs help, have conversations about how their abilities may change.
Please find out how they’d like to be supported when they need help with physical or cognitive tasks.
Being realistic about the future and preparing for inevitable changes will help both of you.
2. Don’t jump in with help too quickly
We might see our older adult needing help once or twice and assume they always do – but it could have been a fluke.
Before jumping in to take over, step back and observe their “true” behavior and confirm your concerns with others.
3. Focus on their abilities and what they can do
Continuing to do as many activities and tasks as independently as possible helps seniors retain abilities and boosts self-esteem.
Guide them toward tasks they can do, or adapt activities to make them easier.
For example, if setting the table from scratch is overwhelming, pull out the needed silverware and then ask your older adult to help set the table.
Or, if cooking a meal has too many steps, ask them to help with prep or keep you company while you taste-test.
4. Focus on the fact that help is empowering and allows them to do more
Remind your older adult that the purpose of assistance is to enable them to do what they want as safely and independently as possible.
Dr. Jacobs uses the analogy of a cane. Using a cane allows someone to walk farther on their own.
When you provide help, they’ll be able to do a lot more than they would without any help at all.
Final Thoughts
Mastering the balance between support and independence is a profound act of respect for your loved one’s dignity. By focusing on what they can do and creating an environment that makes those activities safer and easier, you are not just preserving their skills; you are nourishing their spirit.
This approach reduces power struggles, decreases helplessness, and strengthens your relationship. Remember, the ultimate gift you can give is not just your care, but the confidence that comes from maintaining control over your own life. Your supportive presence is the foundation that makes their continued independence possible.
Next Steps: Dr. Jacobs shares 4 tips on how to support an older adult while encouraging their independence
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Although I am now a senior citizen, finding balance continues to be one of the most challenging aspects of being a parent. Parenting my children as they grew up often felt like walking a tightrope, and even though my children are now grown with families of their own, I frequently feel the same way. The funny thing is, as a caregiver for a parent, parent-child roles can become reversed, and you find yourself on that tightrope all over again. I think the article 4 Ways a Caregiver Can Encourage a Loved One’s Independence by Barry J. Jacobs, AARP is a good example.
Thanks for your feedback! So glad this article is helpful.
I’ve been struggling with this issue and it looks like I’m handling it correctly. Is there anywhere I can ask other questions about caring for someone you’re close to but not a relative?
It’s wonderful that you’re doing well with this area of caregiving, it’s not easy! We’ve got a wide range of articles on our site here that can be applied to almost any caregiving situation, regardless of your relationship with them. We welcome questions here or in our Facebook community (https://www.facebook.com/dailycaring) and we can also recommend some wonderful online caregiving support groups where you can chat with fellow caregivers to get advice and tips — https://dailycaring.com/11-caregiver-support-groups-on-facebook-youll-want-to-join/