What to do if your parent or spouse refuses to stop driving
Unsafe senior driving is a serious issue.
When you see warning signs that your parent or spouse is no longer safe behind the wheel, it’s time to get them to stop driving.
But some older adults stubbornly refuse to give up the keys.
You might have already done everything you can think of, like:
- Holding repeated conversations to ask them to stop
- Showing proof that they’re no longer safe drivers
- Calling a family meeting so it’s not just coming from you
- Reassuring them that they’ll still be able to go out
But what if even after all that, they still refuse to give up their keys?
If your older adult still refuses to stop driving, you might be forced to use more extreme methods. They might seem underhanded, but can be effective.
Don’t despair, when everything else has failed, there are 8 more things you can try to stop an elderly person from driving.
Don’t feel guilty
These methods might make you feel like you’re betraying them or being the “bad guy.”
But what you’re really doing is using last-resort methods to protect their safety and the safety of other drivers and nearby pedestrians.
8 ways to stop an elderly person from driving
1. Anonymously report them to the DMV
The Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) allows people to report unsafe drivers, often anonymously. You don’t have to be a doctor, anyone can file a report.
The benefit is that your older adult won't blame you for taking their license away. Instead, they'll be angry with the DMV.
Each state’s DMV has different procedures. When someone is reported as an unsafe driver, they're called in for a driver’s license retest regardless of when their license expires.
Contact your local DMV to find out what your state needs to request a retest.
If you don’t feel comfortable filing a DMV report, speak confidentially with your doctor and share your concerns. Ask the doctor to write a letter that you can take to the DMV.
2. Use Alzheimer’s or dementia forgetfulness to your advantage
Alzheimer’s or dementia can cause seniors to become irrational and stubborn about driving.
In these situations, an effective strategy is to remove the car and any reminders of driving.
At the same time, creatively distract them from the topic until they forget about driving altogether.
This approach spares them from angry confrontations or getting depressed about not being allowed to drive.
3. Have a relative or close friend “borrow” the car
If your older adult’s car isn’t in the garage, they won’t be able to drive it. You could arrange for a relative or close friend to borrow the car to keep them from getting suspicious.
For example, the relative could pretend the car is in the shop for major repairs. If it’s a young relative, they could say they need a vehicle for school or a job.
When the car is out of sight or unavailable for a good reason, your older adult may be more willing to give up driving.
You don’t have to give the car away; that’s just a cover story to get the car out of their sight. After that, you decide to keep, sell, or give away the vehicle.
4. Hide or “lose” the car keys
Another way to keep your older adult from driving is to hide the car keys or pretend they're lost.
It's best to do this while they’re asleep so they won’t suspect that you’ve taken them.
If they ask you where the keys are, pretend you have no idea. You could even help them look and, after searching the house, declare that the keys are hopelessly lost. Say you’ll get a new set, but it could take a while.
5. Take the car for repairs
Pretending that the car is having a problem is another effective method.
Tell your family member the car is at the auto shop for repairs. This gets the car away from the house – similar to having a relative borrow it.
Your older adult may ask why the car has been in the shop for so long. Be prepared to say something like:
- A repair part hasn't arrived yet
- The repairs cost more than the car is worth
- The mechanic says the car can’t be fixed
6. Disable the car
A good way to prevent someone from driving is to disable their car. Do something simple like unplugging the battery or locking the steering wheel with a “Club.”
Even if they managed to get the keys, they still wouldn’t be able to drive a disabled car.
7. Sell the car
Selling their car is another way of making sure your older adult can no longer drive.
Make up a story for why this is necessary. For example, you might say that a close relative needs money, which is the only way to help.
You don’t have to sell the car if you don’t want to, but this is another way to get it out of sight for a seemingly legitimate reason.
8. Hide your own car and car keys
If your car is still available, your older adult might try to take your keys and drive your vehicle.
If that’s happening, make sure to hide your own keys and park your car out of their sight.
Whenever you need to go out, you can say that a friend is giving you a ride or that you're taking public transportation.
Recommended for you:
- When Should Seniors Stop Driving? 7 Warning Signs
- 4 Tips to Get an Elderly Person to Stop Driving
- How to Hire a Driver for Seniors: 6 Tips
A version of this article was originally published on Sixty and Me
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About the Author
Connie Chow
Connie was a hands-on caregiver for her grandmother for 20 years. (Grandma made it to 101 years old!) She knows how challenging, overwhelming, and all-consuming caring for an older adult can be. She also knows how important support is — especially in the form of practical solutions, valuable resources, and self-care tips.
I am going through this with my 86 year old mother. She totalled her last car. At this point she doesn’t have a car, license, or insurance. Though she is currently trying to get a car and license without any support from her family. Any feedback running counter to her wishes is “mean” or “controlling.” It is exhausting to try to allow her an appropriate level of autonomy when she lacks self awareness to recognize what she can safely manage. She has fallen for a computer support scam and still believes the scammer over her family. We are all worried that she will be scammed into thinking she buys a car and losing money she cannot afford over it.
My uncle is going blind . With constant headaches. He lives alone in the mountains in a different state. He got his license suspend after running into a guard rail . This week my father and I drove 2200 miles because my uncle got lost and ended up 330 miles from home . All his doctors are at a loss for the cause. I’m 44 and clearly can tell it’s time for an intervention . It’s time for him to move back home where our family can care for him. This is a very difficult situation.
We’re so sorry to hear about this situation. It definitely sounds like he may have some underlying health conditions that are causing the decline in his ability to drive safely and/or live alone.
There is a lady in Monroe County that is 89. She doesn’t make her turns right. Stares straight ahead and not watching around people nor animals. Both of her arms are very shaky and her right leg is hurting her. It might be her knee. Worried that her leg will give out and the peddle will hit the floor She is limping. She has not said anything to her dr. This is getting worse. Please don’t mention to her that I have reported this.
If you’ve observed this unsafe driving, it would be a good idea to report this to her doctor and/or the DMV so her driving abilities can be evaluated for her own safety and the safety of innocent bystanders.
Good for you Carolyn K and SBS, sounds like you both have formidable personalities to deftly handle a resistant senior with honor and respect. For the rest of us, we’re happy to listen to out-of-the-box strategies that may help us prevent our elder parents from killing themselves or someone else because we “honored” them by letting them continue to despite their inability to safely do so.
Thank you, Daily Caring and others for contributing much needed advice to those of us struggling to care for ageing parents who don’t always agree with what is “safe.”
Thanks for the kind feedback! We’re so glad our suggestions are helpful for the tough discussions and challenging situations that so many of us face.
I was disturbed by many of the suggestions in this article. They covered the range from deceit and gaslighting to theft. With the exception of those who are legally not competent to make their own decisions, it is the elder’s decision when or if to stop driving. The recommendations here violate the senior’s right to make that decision. This encourages caregivers to step way over healthy boundaries.
#3: To have someone “borrow” the car and not bring it back is vehicle theft. After that, it is NOT your decision to keep, sell or give it away. You couldn’t sell it anyway without the owner’s (often notarized) signature on the title.
#4: To “lose” the car keys and pretend you don’t know what happened to them is dishonest and gaslighting. At some level they may know what you have done, and it will undermine their trust in you (and rightfully so).
#5: Like #3 and #4, with this suggestion, you would also be lying about the situation and gaslighting the senior.
#6: If you disable the car, you are damaging someone else’s property.
#7: Again, the car is not yours to sell. If you do it without their knowledge, then you are selling stolen property.
I have a 90-year-old father who should have stopped driving a while ago. I came to this website looking for help.
In our state, you cannot just call the DMV and report an unsafe driver. (If that were the case, they’d get a complaint anytime someone got ticked off by another’s driving.) If I were to do any of the other suggestions, my dad would call the dealer to get new keys or the cops to file a report of his stolen car.
My only recourse is to respect his right to make his own decision on this while talking with him about how he’ll know when to stop driving. I also offer and arrange alternative transportation as much as is humanly possible. Above all, I respect him and know what’s my problem to solve and what isn’t.
Unfortunately, deceit may be necessary if someone is clearly no longer able to safely drive a car, but uses poor judgement and insists on continuing to drive. If there isn’t already a dementia diagnosis, that decision in itself could indicate that they may be experiencing some cognitive impairment that should be evaluated by a doctor.
In the vast majority of cases, the person taking these steps is only doing so in order to protect the person who is exhibiting poor judgement due to damage in their brain and to protect innocent drivers and pedestrians. The intention isn’t to lie maliciously, steal their car, or profit from selling the car.
Not preventing someone who is clearly unable to drive safely from continuing to drive is similar to allowing someone who is clearly impaired by drugs or alcohol to drive themselves. Those who have knowledge of the situation have a moral obligation to protect that person and other people from potential injury or death.
Every state’s DMV has different rules around reporting an unsafe driver. Here’s a helpful website with an overview of each state’s policies – https://www.dementiacarecentral.com/caregiverinfo/driving-problems/
In some states, doctors are required to report to the DMV any patients who are cognitively or medically unsafe to drive.
Carolyn, Your Dad clearly does not have the level of dementia where he needs to stop driving. If he is able to call the car dealership to get keys, he is still operating at a good level. He maybe physically not able to drive which is a difficult issue also. Be grateful. The suggestions in this article deal with a really hard issue that can be deadly. Because it is really hard to get those with dementia to stop driving, care givers will do almost anything to get loved ones to not drive.
Let’s see how you feel when his bad driving kills someone and or himself.
he has almost hit other vehicles
Yikes, that sounds scary. Hopefully the tips above will help you get him to stop driving before he hurts himself or others.
Another method is to take their keys and have them filed down enough so they will no longer work in the ignition.
Excellent tip!! Very creative! Thanks for sharing.
Thank you, Carolyn K – that’s exactly what I thought! Our parents deserve our respect and to maintain their own dignity and we will not deceive or trick them into giving up the keys when that time comes. I would much rather my parents be angry at me for telling them the truth or asking the DMV to intervene…than dishonor them and our relationship through deceit.
I’ve tried to explain to my mother that it isn’t safe for her to drive anymore. She thinks I’m just trying to hurt her! So sometimes lying is the only option. If you can have a conversation with your parent and they understand and agree then consider yourself lucky!
What if they drove with your child? Sure save the white lie to preserve your own self righteousness until your loved one hurts themselves or another and is lef tto pay for the damage. Smart thinking.