The decision to move a loved one to assisted living is often accompanied by overwhelming guilt, but it’s time to reframe that guilt as compassion. While you may worry you’re “giving up” or “letting them down,” the truth is that assisted living can provide safer care, richer social connections, and much-needed respite for both of you.
In this article, we’ll explore three powerful reasons to release that guilt, including expert insights on why this transition is often the most loving choice, even when it feels impossibly hard.
Moving Someone Into Assisted Living is a Difficult Decision
Moving an older adult into assisted living might be one of the most complex decisions you’ll ever have to make.
So many caregivers are feeling guilty about “putting mom in assisted living” – moving their parent, spouse, relative, or close friend to assisted living, a nursing home, or memory care.
But when caring for someone at home becomes dangerous or nearly impossible, it is necessary to move them to a place where they can be safe and get the care they need.
Unfortunately, the reality is that even if this is the best decision for their health and yours, the guilt and sadness can still be overwhelming.
It hurts when you have negative thoughts and feelings about a decision you were forced to make.
Your heart will need some time to catch up with what you know in your head.
While you adjust to the changes, understanding what’s causing the guilt can help you accept the decision and reduce emotional stress.
We share 3 common reasons why you may feel guilty about moving your parent or spouse to assisted living.
We also explain why those beliefs aren’t true and why the reality of the situation made your decision unavoidable and necessary.
Why You Feel Guilty About Moving Your Mom Into Assisted Living
1) Common belief: You’ve failed in your duty to care for them
- I promised Mom I’d always take care of her.
- Dad asked me to never abandon him.
- When we got married, we promised to always be there for each other, in sickness and in health.
Reality: You’re ensuring they’ll get the level of care they need.
Moving someone to assisted living doesn’t mean you’ve failed to care for them.
It means you're making a difficult decision to prioritize their health and safety and get them the care they need, a level that may no longer be possible at home over the long term.
You’ll most likely still spend a lot of time with them, checking in with the staff, advocating for their needs, and managing their overall care.
You are taking good care of your older adult and haven’t abandoned them.
2) Common belief: You’re not as good a caregiver as you should be.
- My friend takes care of her Mom at home and has been doing it longer than I have. I should have been able to keep doing it, too.
- My brother thinks I’m lazy and don’t want to care for Mom at home anymore.
- My husband’s daughter (from a previous marriage) told me that she’s angry that I’m dumping her dad in a home.
Reality: You’re doing your best, which is all anyone can realistically do.
Each family’s situation is different, and you don’t know their whole story, so it’s not fair to compare yourself to others.
Your older adult may have more serious health conditions or need a higher level of care than is possible to provide at home.
If your health is suffering or if someone is likely to get injured, it’s time to change your living situation.
In these situations, moving your older adult protects both your health and safety and allows them to get the care they need.
Besides, if you don’t protect your health, you surely won’t be able to continue caring for them for much longer.
It’s also important to remember that people who don’t help and don’t understand the situation aren’t qualified to make judgments or accusations. If they refuse to understand the reality, do your best to ignore their hurtful comments.
3) Common belief: Their health wouldn’t have gotten worse or would have improved if you hadn’t made the move
- Mom wouldn’t have gotten so sick with the flu if she were still home with me.
- Dad would be eating better and not losing weight if I still cared for him.
- My wife would still recognize me if she stayed home with me instead of moving here.
Reality: It’s impossible to control someone’s health or cognitive ability.
It’s natural to second-guess ourselves, but the reality is that nobody can predict or control the future.
You might think things would have been different if you’d kept your older adult at home.
But it’s also possible that the outcome would have been the same.
Or, things could have been worse if you hadn’t decided to move them to assisted living.
Remember, you made this tough decision because the level of care they needed at home was no longer sustainable.
Recommended for you:
- 5 Expert Tips for Reducing Caregiver Guilt
- When to Move to Assisted Living? Advice From a Social Worker
- 3 Tips to Choose Between Assisted Living vs In-Home Care
About the Author
Connie Chow
Connie was a hands-on caregiver for her grandmother for 20 years. (Grandma made it to 101 years old!) She knows how challenging, overwhelming, and all-consuming caring for an older adult can be. She also knows how important support is — especially in the form of practical solutions, valuable resources, and self-care tips.
Hello everyone
I am 51 years old and my mom is 85 she got covid about 2 weeks ago. My mom has already alot of health issues such s spinal stenosis, neurpathy, diabetes, arthristis and eye problems etc.. My mom has a tough life growing up so being happy was hard for her she was depressed, negative and lived a sheltered life. Never wanted to go out wanted to stay home and not see anyone. ABout 2 years ago i lost my brother and my mom lost a son which i cannot imagine how unbearable that is. Ever since my mom has gotten a little worse but since this covid 2 weeks ago my mom is no longer the strong mom i knew she is very immobile, doesnt talk much doesnt want to be alone isnt hunry doesnt basically want to take care of herself. Us as her children hate seeing her like this . I am the younges of 5 so i basically took care of her alot more than any of my other siblings. BUT THANK god they have stepped up now and helped me because i was getting down and depressed myself and i was getting burnt out. SO today we called an ambulance because my sister stays there here and there and basicllay we cannot take care of her much she almosts falls she is very weak and we need more work with her and its hard for us to do. IT kills me knowing i cannot take care of her 24/7 but i cannot and i want to see my mother back the way she was doing her own thing little by little but right now she is so immobile SO as her family we think she should be going somewhere where she gets constant help 24/7 I DONT know if this is ok BUT in me i feel that if she is being taking care of 24/7 i feel at peace knowin she is ok!!! Leaving her alone makes me so nervous and gives me so much anxiety I DONT want tmy mom to go anywhere i wish i could take care of her but how am i going to live my life i live with my bf and my fur baby i work full time etc… IT IS SOOOOOOOOO HARD i love my mom sooooooo much she is my bff and always will be i am just praying for a miracle that my mom gets her strenth back and just gets better but with all her complications health issues and especially her neuropathy in her legs that are getting worse its tough for her to be alone.SO i pray for everyone on here i know exactly how everyone is feeling god blesss you all and stay strong WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER !!!!!! much love
Thank you for sharing your story ❤️ We wish your mom a smooth recovery from Covid and hope that you and your family will soon be able to find the assistance that’s right for her.
Wow! You story of care is so similar to mine at the moment! I’m an only child and making choices and decisions for my mom is really harder than I ever imagined! Sending prayers for strength and compassion your way! Thank you for sharing your most guarded feelings!!🙏😞💝❤️🩹
Although I am 19 years old, I am so moved by the words bad if my mother that I feel I have no place in this life I desperately need help and survived this situation
We’re so sorry to hear about this. If your mother has dementia, these article might be helpful:
– 7 Ways to Reduce and Manage Mean Dementia Behavior https://dailycaring.com/7-ways-to-respond-to-mean-dementia-behavior/
– 8 Ways to Deal with False Dementia Accusations https://dailycaring.com/8-ways-to-deal-with-false-dementia-accusations/
It can also help you cope to chat with other caregivers in an online (or in person) caregiver support group. We’ve got suggestions here:
– 13 Caregiver Support Groups on Facebook https://dailycaring.com/support-groups-for-caregivers-on-facebook/
– 8 Benefits of Caregiver Support Groups https://dailycaring.com/8-benefits-of-caregiver-support-groups/
Hello,
I read your article. I am an immigrant and single. I have a sibling who did not want to care but I bought my father to live with me. He had a stent put in after a heart attack but otherwise healthy 68. After 6 months, I did not want to care for him anymore. I was doing everything and moved him back to his apartment in my country. He had help, but was lonely. I was so angry that I did not want to visit him. He wanted me to care for him and keep him safe. And I did not. He passed away from a heart attack. Since then I have been really plauged by guilt and feeling that I am a horrible son. I wish it was different. I have been so miserable that I lost all joy in living. I keep thinking why did I make such a mistake. He is my father after all and how heartless I have been. I need to move past or this guilt my consume me. How do I do that.
We’re so sorry for your loss. Grief can often bring up feelings of guilt. It may help to join a grief support group or to speak with a trained counselor or therapist to help you work through your feelings.
We’ve got more info on counseling/therapy here – 4 Sources of Affordable Counseling Services to Reduce Caregiver Stress https://dailycaring.com/low-cost-therapy-options-help-caregivers-cope/
This article has suggestions for online grief support groups – https://www.verywellmind.com/best-online-grief-support-groups-4842333
Please forgive yourself. He had a long life and you cannot control his health and longevity. You need to live a full life is also.
Im feeling your situation my mother is 82 dimentia last 4 years recently had to put her in a mental facility it sucks because this is the first time i missed christmas w mom in a very long time you are not alone in this world or the next God bless you
We’re so sorry that you’re not able to spend Christmas with your mom this year 🙁 Maybe it would help to drop off a thoughtful holiday gift that you know she would use and enjoy?
For example, she might like looking at old family photos and keeping warm with a soft blanket or robe.
Hi I am a man of 60 have been caring at home for mam 12yrs now after dad passed away it was only going to be for about a year for her to get over dad 12yrs later I’m still here she has dimentia last 5 yrs so it’s tuff need to put her in care home to get my own life back on track but feel guilty what can I do
It’s wonderful that you’ve been able to care for your mom for so many years. Moving her to a memory care community is certainly a difficult decision to make. These articles may help you weigh the pros and cons:
— 3 Tips to Help You Choose Between Assisted Living vs In Home Care https://dailycaring.com/3-tips-to-help-you-choose-between-assisted-living-vs-in-home-care/
— When Does Someone Need Assisted Living? Get Advice from a Social Worker https://dailycaring.com/when-should-a-senior-move-to-assisted-living-get-advice-from-a-social-worker/
when my mother got old I brought her to live with me. She used to be a quiet meek religious woman . But when she got alzhiemers she became violent, started cursing she was a different person. She kept running away and the police had to keep bringing her home. The doctor didn’t want her eating in mcdonalds because of her pressure. One morning she wanted to go there and when I told her the doctor didn’t want her eating there she turned on all my gas jets and rolled up a long piece of paper and told me she was going to burn my d___ house down if I didn’t let her out. I was scared. She was bigger than me and her eyes were looking wild. I had to find somewhere to take her. If I fixed her food she would throw it on the floor. It hurt me when I had to find a place for her. She’s been dead almost 20 years and I still cry when I think of her
That’s such a difficult situation to live through. You clearly went above and beyond to care for your mother even through the violent behavior. We’re so sorry for your loss.
I have a 94 year old father who I had to place in memory care last year. Sometimes he’s very with it and other days is the total opposite. I couldn’t physically care for him any longer in my home I feel very guilty about making this decision. He always has gotten his own way and now is bucking me for where he lives. He’s very surly and angry about his life. It’s taking a toll on me because I try to visit every day or my husband goes for me. My diabetes has gotten worse since he got ill last year and I placed him in memory care. I can’t get rid of the guilt.
It’s tough to let go of guilt even though it was no longer possible for you to care for your father in your own home. Moving him was necessary for his health and safety, as well as for yours.
It might help to speak with someone to help you work through your feelings. This article might be helpful – 4 Sources of Affordable Counseling Services to Reduce Caregiver Stress https://dailycaring.com/low-cost-therapy-options-help-caregivers-cope/
My grandmother suffered several strokes..I have in home care in place and I take care of her as well. Lately it’s been difficult to find reliable night shift caregivers. Family issues and them not wanting to help me care for her has lead me to the difficult decision of starting the process to admit her into a skilled nursing facility. I feel guilty and feel like I haven’t done enough but it’s difficult caring for a elderly loved one on your own while still trying to live my own life (work, school, & care for my children). Depression is kicking in because I feel that I didn’t do enough. I feel like I’m letting her down.
It’s a very difficult decision to make, but it sounds like this is a necessary move in order to get your grandmother the care she needs, especially during the night. The feeling of guilt is common among caregivers and completely natural. However, it’s important to remember that “doing enough” doesn’t mean completely exhausting yourself and ignoring all other areas of your own life for as long as the care is needed – that’s not realistic.
What’s important is that you’re doing your best to make sure she gets the care that she needs, which sounds like is no longer possible to provide at home due to her increasing needs. It’s also important to make sure that you have time to take care of yourself and the other areas of your own life. After all, if you become unwell yourself, you won’t be able to help anyone else. This way, you’ll be able to continue to care for your grandmother.
You may find it helpful to speak with others in similar situations or to speak with a trained counselor to find ways to manage and work through these feelings. These articles have more info and suggestions:
– 11 Private Support Groups for Caregivers on Facebook https://dailycaring.com/support-groups-for-caregivers-on-facebook/
– 4 Sources of Affordable Counseling Services to Reduce Caregiver Stress https://dailycaring.com/low-cost-therapy-options-help-caregivers-cope/
I liked that you mentioned that using assisted living is a smart choice. My mom is having trouble doing things alone, so I want to put her in a care home. I will look for an assistive house for her and hope she likes it.
can a sibling terminate her rights to help care for her senior mother.if she lives out of state (NC)..my sisters & brother do not WANT TO help at all they say they can terminate her as their mother is this true…
If this is a legal question, you may want to contact an attorney for advice in this situation.
If it’s more a matter of coming to an agreement with your siblings about your mother’s care, this article may be helpful — 4 Caregiving Tips for Getting Siblings to Help with Parents https://dailycaring.com/4-caregiving-tips-for-getting-siblings-to-help-with-parents/
Children have no legal obligation to care for their parents. I have 5 step siblings and a sister of my own. Out of 6 people, only 2 were any help to me with my stepdad (their dad!) and 0 are helping me with my mom.
I’m in the US and my parents along with my only brother and his wife are in Asia. My father, 88 had been a primary caregiver for my mother, 82, except for the 2 months in summer and 2 weeks during The holidays when I have been going back to care for them for the last 19 years. This past June, exhaustion from caring for my mom whose dementia had progressed led my dad to be hospitalized and now he is struggling to care for even himself. Reluctantly we placed mom in a facility where she could stay for 3 months, hoping my dad would recover. Dad is still weak in the hospital and mom has been so belligerent at night, screaming to go home, that she got kicked out of one facility and is about to get kicked out from the second one. Per recommendation of the facility staff, my brother took her to a neuropsychiatric in patient hospital but got turned away because she only has episodes after sun down. My brother takes her home every other night right now to give her facility roommates and the staff some break.
However, the facility is pushing for her to go home permanently once dad is discharged home. We have some support service in place but hardly enough. My mom is also physically disable from the massive stroke she had 25 years ago. My mom keeps saying to people around her that she is dumped in the facility and dad is all weak because I don’t drop everything and move back with them to care for them. I cared for both of them for two months this summer as I have always done for the last 19 years(I’m 53) , sleeping on the floor between them and felt I couldn’t do this all year long since my mother’s dementia progressed and now my dad also needs personal care. But I feel guilty for not returning to my home country for them. My mom keeps fighting against moving to a facility, which makes me feel worse.
Assisted Living was horrible for Mother. She almost died and is spending the rest of her life in an invalid in a wheel chair due to facility ignorance. It was difficult getting her out of the hellhole she was in with family members wanting her and myself out of her independent living apartment where I was her full time aide and Mother being put into Assisted Living. It is much better now. I have been taking care of Mother full time in my home for almost 2 years . She is going to be 102 years old this month. It is a blessing to have her here in a loving family atmosphere with my son and his wife living here too and helping with her care. There is help under Medicare with Pallative Care and Hospice both offered as needed. Mother spent a year in a second Assisted Living facility for a year that was better than our previous nightmare experience before coming home. There is no place like home. She is saving a fortune and she is content, loved and she enjoys every day of her life. Mother is my complete dedication. I will never regret the time we are spending together in a loving family atmosphere.
It’s wonderful that you’re able to care for your mother at home and that you got her away from a terrible situation. Thank you for sharing your story!