Best of 2017: 8 Ways to Deal with False Dementia Accusations

dementia accusations

Seniors with dementia falsely accuse family of terrible things

“You stole my wallet and all my money!”
“You’re keeping me prisoner in my house!”
“You’re trying to poison me!”

Seniors with Alzheimer’s or dementia commonly accuse the people closest to them of theft, mistreatment, or other terrible things. While cases of true abuse do exist, oftentimes these accusations are completely untrue and are caused by delusions – strong beliefs in things that aren’t real.

It’s important to remember that your older adult isn’t creating these delusions to hurt you. Their brains are failing and the delusions and paranoia are symptoms of the disease.

We explain why this happens and share 8 ways to calm the situation and kindly deal with these dementia accusations.



Why seniors with dementia make false dementia accusations

Their accusations may sound crazy, but the situation is very real to your older adult. Their minds are trying to make sense of the world while their cognitive abilities are declining.

People with dementia often feel anxiety, frustration, and a sense of loss. Those feelings, plus memory loss and confusion, can easily lead to paranoia. That’s why many seniors with dementia feel like people are stealing from them or mistreating them.

When they can’t find something they’ve misplaced, their brain leads them to believe that someone stole from them. When you prevent them from wandering and getting lost, they think they’re being kept prisoner.

These dementia accusations can be extremely hurtful to hear, but it’s important to remember that they’re not personal attacks against you. Their brain can’t make sense of what’s happening and has created an alternate version of reality to compensate.


8 ways to deal with false dementia accusations

1. Don’t take it personally
Remember that your older adult is only making these accusations because of their declining cognitive abilities. They’re trying to make sense of their reality as best they can.

Do your best to stay calm and not to take these accusations personally. Focus on reassuring them and showing that you care about how they’re feeling.


2. Don’t argue or use logic to convince
It’s important not to argue or use logic to convince someone with dementia that they’re wrong. You simply can’t win an argument with someone whose brain no longer processes logic properly. And arguing will only make them upset and more insistent.

Instead, let them express their ideas, feelings, and opinions. It will be easier to calm and distract them if they feel heard and validated.


3. Use a calm, soothing tone and positive body language
When responding to someone who is worked up over something they strongly believe, it’s essential to stay calm.

Bring the adrenaline level of the situation down by speaking in a gentle, calm tone of voice. You may also want to try reassuring them in non-verbal ways like a gentle touch or hug.


4. Create a calm environment
Creating a calm environment is another way to reduce the tension in the situation.

Reduce noise and commotion by turning off the TV, asking other people to leave the room, or playing slow songs or classical music at a low volume. Aromatherapy is another way to create a soothing environment.



5. Stick to simple answers
When you respond to their accusations, keep your responses short and simple. Long explanations or reasoning may be overwhelming and cause more agitation and confusion.


6. Distract with a pleasant activity
The best way to stop them from obsessing about their accusation is to validate, then distract. Switch to a fun, engaging, or satisfying activity as soon as possible after sympathizing with how they feel.

Maybe it’s a good time to offer a favorite snack or drink. Or you could ask for help with a no-fail task they enjoy, like folding “laundry” (aka lots of hand towels).


7. Keep duplicates of frequently misplaced items
If you notice a pattern where your older adult frequently hides and then loses a certain item, consider buying multiples of that item.

For example, if they’re constantly misplacing their wallet, buy another of the same style so you can offer to help them “find” it.


8. Seek support and advice from people who understand
Being accused of stealing, abuse, or other terrible things can be devastating. Even if you can hide your true feelings to avoid further upsetting your older adult, it still hurts inside.

To help you cope, join a caregiver support group – either in person or online. You’ll be surprised and relieved to learn that many other people have been accused of similar untrue things. It truly helps to know you’re not the only one it’s happening to.


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By DailyCaring Editorial Team
Image: The Memories Project


  • Reply December 21, 2017


    My elderly mother with dementia suffers from a delusion that she was raped, and that I, her live in caregiver not only let the attacker in the house, but won’t do anything to protect her.

    This kind of false accusation is worse than a delusion of theft.I can not be silent or hold her hand and gently reassure her over this.

    • Reply December 22, 2017


      That is certainly a serious issue. In some cases, these type of accusations could be based in a type of confusion of reality. For example, if you had an aide that came to help her with bathing or grooming, she could have gotten that mixed up in her mind as an assault and where you allowed that person in. Or it could also be pure fantasy. Maybe if you let her talk through what she thinks happened, you could get a clue to what causes those thoughts. Or, letting her tell her story could help relieve her anxiety about it. If she continues to have this delusion and there’s absolutely nothing that could be causing these thoughts and it’s causing significant distress and significantly impacting her quality of life, you may consider asking a geropsychiatrist or a doctor who specializes in dementia treatment to help find a solution that will ease her mind.

  • Reply December 13, 2017


    Thank you for posting this article. It definitely has helped us realize some of what’s going on in our situation. My mom is being cared for by a saint of a man, a few hours away, in an independent living retirement community. Unfortunately, her condition is causing our relationship to deteriorate because her warped memory makes me the bad guy on a variety of fronts, often for mis-remembered things that happened months prior that suddenly become an issue for her. It’s sad because our family was so close growing up. And my kids want to spend more time with their grandmother. But her ire keeps her from wanting to spend any time with us.

    She needs help, and I want to get her to a neurologist so that she can be on medication that may help her not feel so bitter and mad. Subtle suggestions (from me or her caretaker) are met with firm responses denying she needs helps. At times, I just want to tell her “Your brain is tricking you. You need to see a doctor. I don’t care which one, but let a neurologist evaluate you. If they say you’re fine, I’ll deeply apologize for anything you remember me doing that upset you.” But if that doesn’t work, she might not ever speak to me again.

    • Reply December 16, 2017


      I’m so sorry you’re in this challenging situation. It’s great that she has such good care, that’s so important. It’s possible that she has dementia or a health condition that could be causing dementia-like symptoms. Unfortunately, since she’s having dementia-like symptoms, it will be very difficult to reason with her because dementia typically damages that ability. If this behavior is a recent change, it’s possible that she has an infection like a urinary tract infection (UTI), which can cause this type of behavior —

      You may have to go through some trial and error to get her to see the doctor. It sounds like you may need to trick her into it since reason won’t work. You could pretend that it’s time for her annual check up and not mention anything about why she needs to go or that anything is wrong. Some people may respond if you say that the annual visit is a free benefit and it would be a shame to miss out on the free visit. Depending on how advanced her symptoms are, some people have had success by taking their older adult to lunch (or somewhre they enjoy) and then “stopping by” the doctor’s office after — but not mentioning the doctor’s appointment until arriving there. For those who have found this successful, the older adult just goes along with what’s happening since it’s already in motion. Those are just a couple of ideas, hopefully that will help you come up with something that could work for your mom.

      Before your mom goes to the doctor, be sure to speak with them privately so you can let them know your concerns. If you’re not going into the appointment with her, she may lie about her symptoms to the doctor and depending on how advanced the symptoms are, the doctor could believe her. Let the doctor know about the symptoms you’ve been observing, when they began, how they’re different from her typical behavior, etc. That will help them in their examination.

      She may be blaming you for things because she’s noticing changes in her brain and blaming you is easier and less scary than admitting that something is wrong. Of course, it’s difficult and hurtful for you to hear. We’ve got an article with some tips on handling mean behavior —

      And here’s some info on treatable conditions that cause dementia-like symptoms:

  • Reply November 16, 2017


    Exactly what kind of simple answer do you propose I respond with when my mom accuses me of stealing the money she can’t find because she already spent it or misplaced it? Or worse, when she accuses someone else and she insists that I take her to the police to report it, and this accusation and demand to speak with the police goes on for weeks? It seems the only thing she wants to hear that will calm her down is if I agree to take her to file a report, but I refuse to waste the time and resources of the police on something she has fabricated. However, any other response only agitates her more, and despite several distractions, she will not let it go. How exactly do I deal with such behavior? Because I am at my wit’s end.

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