When a loved one with dementia accuses you of stealing, lying, or worse, the emotional toll can be devastating, even when you know these false claims stem from the disease. These painful dementia accusations often leave caregivers feeling heartbroken, defensive, or exhausted, especially when logic and reassurance fail.
In this Best of 2024 guide, we share 8 expert-backed strategies to navigate these moments with compassion, from redirection techniques to environmental tweaks that reduce paranoia. You’ll learn why these accusations happen (hint: it’s not personal), how to respond without confrontation, and ways to protect your emotional well-being.
Seniors With Dementia Might Make Unfounded Accusations
“You stole my wallet and all my money!”
“You’re keeping me prisoner in my house!”
“You’re trying to poison me!”
Seniors with Alzheimer’s disease or dementia commonly accuse the people closest to them of theft, mistreatment, or other terrible things.
While cases of actual abuse do exist, oftentimes, these accusations are entirely untrue and are caused by delusions – strong beliefs in things that aren’t real.
It’s important to remember that your older adult isn’t creating these delusions to hurt you.
Their brains are failing, and delusions and paranoia are symptoms of the disease.
Let's explain why this happens and share eight ways to calm the situation and how to deal with these dementia accusations responsibly and compassionately.
Why Do Seniors with Dementia Make False Accusations?
Their accusations may sound crazy, but the situation is very real to your older adult.
Their minds try to make sense of the world while their cognitive abilities decline.
People with dementia often feel anxiety, frustration, and a sense of loss. Those feelings, plus memory loss and confusion, can easily lead to paranoia.
That’s why many seniors with dementia feel like people are stealing from them or mistreating them.
When people can’t find something they’ve misplaced, their brains lead them to believe someone stole it from them.
They think they're being kept prisoner when you prevent them from wandering and getting lost.
These dementia accusations can be exceedingly hurtful to hear, but it's important to remember that they’re not personal attacks against you.
Their brain can’t understand what’s happening, creating an alternate version of reality to compensate.
8 ways to deal with false dementia accusations
1. Don't take it personally
Remember that seniors only make these accusations because of their declining cognitive abilities.
They’re trying to make sense of their reality as best they can.
Do your best to stay calm and not take these accusations personally. Focus on reassuring them and showing that you care about their feelings.
2. Don't argue or use logic to convince
It’s important not to argue or use logic to convince someone with dementia that they’re wrong.
You can’t win an argument with someone whose brain no longer processes logic appropriately. And arguing will only make them upset and more insistent.
Instead, let them express their ideas, feelings, and opinions. It will be easier to calm and distract them if they feel heard and validated.
3. Use a calm, soothing tone and positive body language
It's essential to stay calm when responding to someone who is worked up over something they strongly believe.
Bring the adrenaline level of the situation down by speaking in a gentle, calm tone of voice.
You may also want to try reassuring them nonverbally, like a gentle touch or hug.
4. Create a calm environment
Creating a calm environment is another way to reduce the tension in the situation.
Reduce noise and commotion by turning off the TV, asking other people to leave the room, or playing slow songs or classical music at a low volume.
Aromatherapy is another way to create a soothing environment.
5. Stick to simple answers
When you respond to their accusations, keep your responses short and simple.
Long explanations or reasoning may be overwhelming and cause more agitation and confusion.
6. Distract with a pleasant activity
The best way to stop them from obsessing about their accusation is to validate, then distract.
Switch to a fun, engaging, or satisfying activity as soon as possible after sympathizing with how they feel.
Maybe it’s a good time to offer a favorite snack or drink. Or you could ask for help with a no-fail task they enjoy, like folding “laundry” (aka lots of hand towels).
7. Keep duplicates of frequently misplaced items
Consider buying multiples if you notice a pattern where an older adult frequently hides and then loses a particular item.
For example, if they’re constantly misplacing their wallet, buy another of the same style so you can offer to help them “find” it.
8. Seek support and advice from people who understand
Being accused of stealing, abuse, or other terrible things can be devastating.
Even if you can hide your true feelings to avoid further upsetting your older adult, it still hurts inside.
To help you cope, join a caregiver support group – either in person or online.
You’ll be surprised and relieved to learn that many other people have been accused of similar untrue things. It truly helps to know you’re not the only one it’s happening to.
Recommended for you:
- 10 Ways to Respond to Dementia Hallucinations in Seniors
- Keeping a Dementia Journal Makes Caregiving Easier: 7 Things to Track
- 3 Stages of Dementia: What to Expect as the Disease Progresses
About the Author
Connie is the founder of DailyCaring.com and was a hands-on caregiver for her grandmother for 20 years. (Grandma made it to 101 years old!) She knows how challenging, overwhelming, and all-consuming caring for an older adult can be. She also understands the importance of support, especially in the form of practical solutions, valuable resources, and self-care tips.
My 85 years husband blames and says bad remarks about me
I’m so sorry to hear that Ruthie, I’m sure that makes caring for your husband a challenge. If it’s any help, remember that it’s his disease talking (assuming he has a form of cognitive impairment) and do not take what he says personally. Allow yourself to take mini-breaks, especially when he is being unkind. If you don’t already belong to a support group, I highly recommend them as a way to share your frustrations with other people who will understand what you are going through. Hang in there.
Hi, my father is 88 years old and is diagnosed with Vascular Dementia. I have 2 brothers {I am the only one in the same city as my mother and father}- he is always telling them my wife and I are taking items, which they 100% believe us as they been accused of stealing in the past as well- like scissors, compass, small value items. Every time he talks with them he brings this up but never says anything directly to me. We are thinking my 86 year old mother maybe throwing these items out or misplacing them as she has slight Dementia/Alzheimer as well. Should I confront him or just let it be as he is not accusing us directly. Please advise.
We’re sorry to hear that you’re being falsely accused 🙁 Since reason and logic won’t work with someone who has dementia, it might work better to speak with your brothers to let them know that these accusations are completely false, caused by the damage in your father’s brain due to dementia, and one reason he might be thinking this is because your mom might be throwing things out. As long as they know that these are dementia-related accusations, it won’t do any harm for your father to say these things to them.
My mother in law has Alzheimer’s and wants to babysit my one year old son . She is forgetful and hides things and doesn’t like to put my son down even if he is struggling in her arms , She doesn’t talk to him but just makes weird noises like growls and ooohs, as if he was a baby. A few weeks ago she congratulated me again on his birth as she thought he was a newborn . He is a typical toddler and is always curious and has started walking, I’m worried that she isn’t able to keep up with him and my husband is in denial about her condition . Whenever I raise my concerns he gets upset at me . I don’t know what to do.
We’re so sorry to hear about this difficult situation. It sounds like she’s no longer capable of safely caring for a child, but your husband may still be in denial about her cognitive impairment. To keep your son safe, it sounds like you need to insist that your mother-in-law be supervised when she spends time with him.
This article may also be helpful in dealing with your husband’s denial – 3 Ways to Deal with Family in Denial About Seniors Needing Help https://dailycaring.com/3-ways-to-deal-with-family-in-denial-about-seniors-needing-help/
my aunt is 96 and has accused me and my son gor stealing her tvs, furniture and clothes. I am the only immediate family near her (next door) I help her as much as I can but it is hard to deal. my husband helps her with breakfast while I am at work and she fills him up with the accusations. she tells everyone she talks to these untruth accusations. she even once said to several people tried to kill her 3 times. This woman helped my grandmother raise me. this is hard. my dad (her only brother) lives in another state and he believes her he is 90. the info you have given helps. we live on her property but nothing in our name except my house. she took me out of will but I am her health poa. we are so nervous of being homeless.
We’re so sorry to hear that all this is happening. It is indeed hard to keep hearing it, especially when you’re the ones who are there to help.
We’re so glad that our suggestions have been helpful and hope that this behavior will decrease as her dementia progresses.
Thank you for the article titled, “8 Ways to Deal with False Dementia Accusations”. I note that 4 of the 8 recommendations are suggestions that can only be carried out when you are with the person who has dementia:
3. Use a calm, soothing tone and positive body language
4. Create a calm environment
6. Distract with a pleasant activity
7. Keep duplicates of frequently misplaced items
Are there additional tips/recommendations for handling these situations when you can’t visit your aging parent in person? Due to COVID-19 restrictions, I am not permitted to step inside the community where my mother lives.
I appreciate any additional suggestions for how to handle the situation.
Thank you!
We’re so glad this article is helpful. Pandemic restrictions have definitely made communication more difficult, especially with someone who has dementia.
For #3, when you speak with them on the phone or through a video call, it helps to keep your tone calm and soothing. If it’s a video call, they’ll also be able to see your body so you can use open, positive body language by having a soft facial expression, facing the camera, and keeping your body relaxed and open.
For #4, you’d need help from care community staff in order to modify anything in the environment. But if you do notice something, you can call to speak with the staff to let them know there’s an issue and ask them to help you fix it.
For #6, when you speak with them, ask them about something they’re interested in or excited about. That can be a pleasant distraction. For example, someone who loves their grandchildren would be excited to hear about the child’s latest accomplishments or activities. Or perhaps there’s a subject or hobby that they’re excited about. You could ask for advice on how to do something they used to enjoy or share some related news or information.
For #7, this is something that you’d also need help with from care community staff. If they’re willing, give them a bag of duplicate items and tell them to keep them hidden away (in areas where residents don’t have access) until you request for them to be given to your older adult.
I have one with the start of dementia and she uses your words and twist it into her definition. She was showing concern that the next door neighbor was trouble. I.said so just stay away from him. She said your accusing me of hanging with him. I.slapped my head no matter how much i told her that did not mean that she insists it does. She has ptsd and a head trauma from as a child can you please advise.
We’re sorry to hear about what’s been happening. Hopefully the suggestions in the above article will help you handle her concerns.
These articles may also be helpful:
– Responding to 4 Top Dementia Delusions: Abuse, You’re a Stranger, Someone’s After Me, Bugs Everywhere https://dailycaring.com/responding-to-4-top-dementia-delusions-abuse-youre-a-stranger-someones-after-me-bugs-everywhere/
– 10 Ways to Respond to Dementia Hallucinations in Seniors https://dailycaring.com/10-ways-to-respond-to-dementia-hallucinations-in-seniors/
I have a question. Why is my Mom looking for kids? There are no kids. But she keeps saying they were here. Middle of the night or early morning. Is this something Alzheimer patients do?
It sounds like she might be having hallucinations, which can happen in people with Alzheimer’s or dementia. We’ve got more information and suggestions for how to manage hallucinations here — 10 Ways to Respond to Dementia Hallucinations in Seniors (https://dailycaring.com/10-ways-to-respond-to-dementia-hallucinations-in-seniors/)
I’m deeply sorry about your mom. You’ll be tremendously blessed for your love patience and understanding with her as well as your care that you give. People with dementia tends to hold on to a particular memory and replay that memory constantly. The best thing to do is to play along with her and we are sure that the child left with his or her mom and they will be back tomorrow. She’s always reassure her that that child is OK and is with a safe person and love in person. Whatever the memory display you must Entertain. Remember it is the ultimate world and everything that is said is true to them
She is an amazing lady.
HELP!!! What age does Dementia usually start? My mom is 67 yrs old and since my dad passed away 10 years ago had to take over the care of both my brothers who both have primary progressive Multiple Sclerosis. My husband and I move our family of 8 to live with them as she was overwhelmed with trying to care for them in her own. But these last couple of years she has begun to worry me with strange and upsetting behavior . She will frequently misplace things and always accuse me of taking them most of the time but not directly but she makes comments hinting towards me being the one who did it. There’s been several times she’s misplaced money or her and my two disabled brothers medications and she always start crying saying she’s not safe and that someone is doing these things to her on purpose she even goes as far as praying and asking why people want to hurt her if all she want to do is take care of her family . It also never fails that if we do end up finding misplaced items weather it be money or medication she always always sais there was more in quantity than what we end up finding and either way someone end up accused of it. It’s like either way there’s no making her happy. She can’t admit to even making the tiniest of mistakes things that anyone could forget easily that are no big deal It most definitely wasn’t her mistake and she will come up with the craziest reasons why it couldn’t of been her. ( it amazes me how she’s so worried or seems like she can’t have anyone know she made a mistake) she takes certain medications that have side affects of making her really sleepy aside from the fact that her and I are up all through the night watching over my brothers because they might need to be suctioned through their tracheotomy in their throats. So yes we are both tired and sleep dreprived but the difference is that I don’t accuse her of the horrible things she without a second thought has accused me of. If she finds herself exhausted one day more than usual she thinks she’s been given something to make her sleepy . She’s made inderect accusations of someone possibly putting something in her food that then made her sleepy. To the point where she had lab work done to confirm. ( of coarse it was clear ) . I don’t know what to do anymore I don’t want to abandon her or my disabled brothers but it hurts to be the go to punching bag every time something isn’t right or she thinks something isn’t right . I’m always defending her or making excuses for her every time she acting strange because she falling asleep doing different things walking around rambling things that don’t make sense but will not lay down and get some rest no matter how many times I try to get her to do it. Some days are worse than others but it only seems to have gotten worse since first moving in to present day. I’m not sure how long I can handle this even though I know That for my family’s sake I’m willing to take being the punching bag if I have to. But I’m scared there’s gonna be a time when I’m not sure what I’m gonna do if it gets worse cuz she’s the one that is the main person or guardian for my disabled brothers I’m scared to think that I might have to explain to her that I might need to take over . I feel like she’s gonna think I wanna hurt her on purpose. I love my mom to the moon and back but I’m hurt the way she can so easily have thoughts of accusing me of such crazy and horrible things. I seek like I’m stuck in a never ending circle. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
So sorry to hear about this tough situation 🙁
It may be helpful to let your mom’s doctor know about these behavior changes and ask that they do a thorough exam. It’s possible that she has a treatable health condition that’s causing dementia-like symptoms. Or, she could have Alzheimer’s or dementia. It may also help to evaluate her medications, vitamins, and supplements to make sure that there aren’t any negative interactions that are causing problems.
These articles may be helpful:
— 8 Treatable Diseases That Mimic Dementia https://dailycaring.com/8-treatable-diseases-that-mimic-dementia/
— 7 Treatable Health Conditions with Symptoms Similar to Dementia https://dailycaring.com/7-treatable-health-conditions-with-symptoms-similar-to-dementia/
The behaviors you’ve described are common in dementia. We’ve got some articles that can help you understand why they’re happening and how to respond:
— Responding to 4 Common Dementia Accusations: Stealing, Poisoning, Being Held Prisoner https://dailycaring.com/responding-to-4-common-dementia-accusations-stealing-poisoning-being-held-prisoner/
— 6 Ways to Help Someone Who Doesn’t Know They’re Ill: Anosognosia in Dementia https://dailycaring.com/6-ways-to-help-someone-who-doesnt-know-theyre-ill-anosognosia-in-dementia/
my dad is 73 he was always a narcisstic jerk and we never got along at all , but in the six months he is acting like the mayor of crazytown.
He walks around nude has arguing conversations in public with himself
He almost got his butt kicked at a buffet because he mowed down a really old lady
He almost stepped on my two year niece’s head because he didn’t see her there He also tried to push her out of the way and wonders why they don’t want him babysitting anymore.
Think everyone is stealing off him and gets irate The items are usually sitting next to him or in dumb places like the freezer or a book on his bookshelf.
Thinks the tv is on when it is off . Starts fights me over my humidifier and fan being on but is so deaf it is hard to talk to him.He wakes my mom up who is 65 and still works and she gets mad at me for waking her up even if he is standing there arguing with himself.
She said if the cops come she is going to take my dad’s side because it is my job to calm him down.I told her , I am not staying here anymore find a nurse. I am sick hearing her homophobic rants about how gays are an abomination to jesus. I am gay and she has no idea.
I’m so sorry this is happening and that your mom isn’t being supportive of you.
To help you cope with the situation, it may be helpful to talk with others in a caregiver support group. We know of one resource that’s specifically for younger caregivers — https://www.thescanfoundation.org/millennial-caregivers
And here are some online caregiver support groups that may also be helpful — Support Groups for Caregivers on Facebook https://dailycaring.com/support-groups-for-caregivers-on-facebook/
It sounds like your dad may be experiencing some cognitive issues. There could be a variety of causes for this, so the best thing to do would be to have your mom take him to the doctor for a thorough exam.
It’s possible that he has a treatable health condition that’s causing dementia-like symptoms. Or, he could have Alzheimer’s or dementia. It may also help to evaluate his medications, vitamins, and supplements to make sure that there aren’t any negative interactions that are causing problems.
These articles may also be helpful:
— 8 Treatable Diseases That Mimic Dementia https://dailycaring.com/8-treatable-diseases-that-mimic-dementia/
— 7 Treatable Health Conditions with Symptoms Similar to Dementia https://dailycaring.com/7-treatable-health-conditions-with-symptoms-similar-to-dementia/
— Medications That Worsen Dementia and Increase Dementia Risk: Anticholinergics https://dailycaring.com/medications-worsen-dementia-and-increase-dementia-risk-anticholinergics/
My father is 93and living alone at a distance from family. He has complained of bugs biting him and is convinced that bugs are inside him and causing pain. Nothing is ever seen. Doctors have run tests and found nothing.
What’s the next move for us and what are we in store for in the near future? Thanks
Mitch
Does your father have Alzheimer’s, dementia, or a treatable health condition that causes cognitive issues? It sounds like he may be having hallucinations.
If he isn’t already diagnosed, it’s a good idea to have his doctor give a thorough exam to rule out treatable health conditions that could be causing this behavior. Even something as simple as a urinary tract infection could cause cognitive symptoms.
If it is dementia, this article might help you understand hallucinations and know how to respond: 10 Ways to Respond to Dementia Hallucinations in Seniors https://dailycaring.com/10-ways-to-respond-to-dementia-hallucinations-in-seniors/
And if it is dementia, here’s more information about what to expect as the disease progresses — 3 Stages of Dementia: What to Expect https://dailycaring.com/3-stages-of-dementia-what-to-expect/
These articles discuss some of the treatable health conditions that can cause these types of symptoms:
— 8 Treatable Diseases That Mimic Dementia https://dailycaring.com/8-treatable-diseases-that-mimic-dementia/
— 7 Treatable Health Conditions with Symptoms Similar to Dementia https://dailycaring.com/7-treatable-health-conditions-with-symptoms-similar-to-dementia/