Being falsely accused by someone with dementia can be emotionally challenging and confusing. In this blog post, we’ll explore practical strategies to handle these situations with compassion, patience, and understanding while maintaining a supportive environment for you and your loved one.
Seniors With Dementia Might Make Unfounded Accusations
“You stole my wallet and all my money!”
“You’re keeping me prisoner in my house!”
“You’re trying to poison me!”
Seniors with Alzheimer’s disease or dementia commonly accuse the people closest to them of theft, mistreatment, or other terrible things.
While cases of actual abuse do exist, oftentimes, these accusations are entirely untrue and are caused by delusions – strong beliefs in things that aren’t real.
It’s important to remember that your older adult isn’t creating these delusions to hurt you.
Their brains are failing, and delusions and paranoia are symptoms of the disease.
Let’s explain why this happens and share eight ways to calm the situation and how to deal with these dementia accusations responsibly and compassionately.
Why Do Seniors with Dementia Make False Accusations?
Their accusations may sound crazy, but the situation is very real to your older adult.
Their minds try to make sense of the world while their cognitive abilities decline.
People with dementia often feel anxiety, frustration, and a sense of loss. Those feelings, plus memory loss and confusion, can easily lead to paranoia.
That’s why many seniors with dementia feel like people are stealing from them or mistreating them.
When they can’t find something they’ve misplaced, their brain leads them to believe someone stole from them.
They think they’re being kept prisoner when you prevent them from wandering and getting lost.
These dementia accusations can be exceedingly hurtful to hear, but it’s important to remember that they’re not personal attacks against you.
Their brain can’t understand what’s happening, creating an alternate version of reality to compensate.
8 ways to deal with false dementia accusations
1. Don’t take it personally
Remember that seniors only make these accusations because of their declining cognitive abilities.
They’re trying to make sense of their reality as best they can.
Do your best to stay calm, and do not take these accusations personally. Focus on reassuring them and showing that you care about their feelings.
2. Don’t argue or use logic to convince
It’s important not to argue or use logic to convince someone with dementia that they’re wrong.
You can’t win an argument with someone whose brain no longer processes logic appropriately. And arguing will only make them upset and more insistent.
Instead, let them express their ideas, feelings, and opinions. It will be easier to calm and distract them if they feel heard and validated.
3. Use a calm, soothing tone and positive body language
It’s essential to stay calm when responding to someone who is worked up over something they strongly believe.
Bring the adrenaline level of the situation down by speaking in a gentle, calm tone of voice.
You may also want to try reassuring them nonverbally, like a gentle touch or hug.
4. Create a calm environment
Creating a calm environment is another way to reduce the tension in the situation.
Reduce noise and commotion by turning off the TV, asking other people to leave the room, or playing slow songs or classical music at a low volume.
Aromatherapy is another way to create a soothing environment.
5. Stick to simple answers
When you respond to their accusations, keep your responses short and simple.
Long explanations or reasoning may be overwhelming and cause more agitation and confusion.
6. Distract with a pleasant activity
The best way to stop them from obsessing about their accusation is to validate, then distract.
Switch to a fun, engaging, or satisfying activity as soon as possible after sympathizing with how they feel.
Maybe it’s a good time to offer a favorite snack or drink. Or you could ask for help with a no-fail task they enjoy, like folding “laundry” (aka lots of hand towels).
7. Keep duplicates of frequently misplaced items
If you notice a pattern where your older adult frequently hides and then loses a particular item, consider buying multiples of that item.
For example, if they’re constantly misplacing their wallet, buy another of the same style so you can offer to help them “find” it.
8. Seek support and advice from people who understand
Being accused of stealing, abuse, or other terrible things can be devastating.
Even if you can hide your true feelings to avoid further upsetting your older adult, it still hurts inside.
To help you cope, join a caregiver support group – either in person or online.
You’ll be surprised and relieved to learn that many other people have been accused of similar untrue things. It truly helps to know you’re not the only one it’s happening to.
Recommended for you:
- 10 Ways to Respond to Dementia Hallucinations in Seniors
- Keeping a Dementia Journal Makes Caregiving Easier: 7 Things to Track
- 3 Stages of Dementia: What to Expect as the Disease Progresses
About the Author
Connie Chow
Connie was a hands-on caregiver for her grandmother for 20 years. (Grandma made it to 101 years old!) She knows how challenging, overwhelming, and all-consuming caring for an older adult can be. She also knows how important support is — especially in the form of practical solutions, valuable resources, and self-care tips.
Hi, my father is 88 years old and is diagnosed with Vascular Dementia. I have 2 brothers {I am the only one in the same city as my mother and father}- he is always telling them my wife and I are taking items, which they 100% believe us as they been accused of stealing in the past as well- like scissors, compass, small value items. Every time he talks with them he brings this up but never says anything directly to me. We are thinking my 86 year old mother maybe throwing these items out or misplacing them as she has slight Dementia/Alzheimer as well. Should I confront him or just let it be as he is not accusing us directly. Please advise.
We’re sorry to hear that you’re being falsely accused 🙁 Since reason and logic won’t work with someone who has dementia, it might work better to speak with your brothers to let them know that these accusations are completely false, caused by the damage in your father’s brain due to dementia, and one reason he might be thinking this is because your mom might be throwing things out. As long as they know that these are dementia-related accusations, it won’t do any harm for your father to say these things to them.
My mother in law has Alzheimer’s and wants to babysit my one year old son . She is forgetful and hides things and doesn’t like to put my son down even if he is struggling in her arms , She doesn’t talk to him but just makes weird noises like growls and ooohs, as if he was a baby. A few weeks ago she congratulated me again on his birth as she thought he was a newborn . He is a typical toddler and is always curious and has started walking, I’m worried that she isn’t able to keep up with him and my husband is in denial about her condition . Whenever I raise my concerns he gets upset at me . I don’t know what to do.
We’re so sorry to hear about this difficult situation. It sounds like she’s no longer capable of safely caring for a child, but your husband may still be in denial about her cognitive impairment. To keep your son safe, it sounds like you need to insist that your mother-in-law be supervised when she spends time with him.
This article may also be helpful in dealing with your husband’s denial – 3 Ways to Deal with Family in Denial About Seniors Needing Help https://dailycaring.com/3-ways-to-deal-with-family-in-denial-about-seniors-needing-help/
my aunt is 96 and has accused me and my son gor stealing her tvs, furniture and clothes. I am the only immediate family near her (next door) I help her as much as I can but it is hard to deal. my husband helps her with breakfast while I am at work and she fills him up with the accusations. she tells everyone she talks to these untruth accusations. she even once said to several people tried to kill her 3 times. This woman helped my grandmother raise me. this is hard. my dad (her only brother) lives in another state and he believes her he is 90. the info you have given helps. we live on her property but nothing in our name except my house. she took me out of will but I am her health poa. we are so nervous of being homeless.
We’re so sorry to hear that all this is happening. It is indeed hard to keep hearing it, especially when you’re the ones who are there to help.
We’re so glad that our suggestions have been helpful and hope that this behavior will decrease as her dementia progresses.
Thank you for the article titled, “8 Ways to Deal with False Dementia Accusations”. I note that 4 of the 8 recommendations are suggestions that can only be carried out when you are with the person who has dementia:
3. Use a calm, soothing tone and positive body language
4. Create a calm environment
6. Distract with a pleasant activity
7. Keep duplicates of frequently misplaced items
Are there additional tips/recommendations for handling these situations when you can’t visit your aging parent in person? Due to COVID-19 restrictions, I am not permitted to step inside the community where my mother lives.
I appreciate any additional suggestions for how to handle the situation.
Thank you!
We’re so glad this article is helpful. Pandemic restrictions have definitely made communication more difficult, especially with someone who has dementia.
For #3, when you speak with them on the phone or through a video call, it helps to keep your tone calm and soothing. If it’s a video call, they’ll also be able to see your body so you can use open, positive body language by having a soft facial expression, facing the camera, and keeping your body relaxed and open.
For #4, you’d need help from care community staff in order to modify anything in the environment. But if you do notice something, you can call to speak with the staff to let them know there’s an issue and ask them to help you fix it.
For #6, when you speak with them, ask them about something they’re interested in or excited about. That can be a pleasant distraction. For example, someone who loves their grandchildren would be excited to hear about the child’s latest accomplishments or activities. Or perhaps there’s a subject or hobby that they’re excited about. You could ask for advice on how to do something they used to enjoy or share some related news or information.
For #7, this is something that you’d also need help with from care community staff. If they’re willing, give them a bag of duplicate items and tell them to keep them hidden away (in areas where residents don’t have access) until you request for them to be given to your older adult.
I have one with the start of dementia and she uses your words and twist it into her definition. She was showing concern that the next door neighbor was trouble. I.said so just stay away from him. She said your accusing me of hanging with him. I.slapped my head no matter how much i told her that did not mean that she insists it does. She has ptsd and a head trauma from as a child can you please advise.
We’re sorry to hear about what’s been happening. Hopefully the suggestions in the above article will help you handle her concerns.
These articles may also be helpful:
– Responding to 4 Top Dementia Delusions: Abuse, You’re a Stranger, Someone’s After Me, Bugs Everywhere https://dailycaring.com/responding-to-4-top-dementia-delusions-abuse-youre-a-stranger-someones-after-me-bugs-everywhere/
– 10 Ways to Respond to Dementia Hallucinations in Seniors https://dailycaring.com/10-ways-to-respond-to-dementia-hallucinations-in-seniors/
I have a question. Why is my Mom looking for kids? There are no kids. But she keeps saying they were here. Middle of the night or early morning. Is this something Alzheimer patients do?
It sounds like she might be having hallucinations, which can happen in people with Alzheimer’s or dementia. We’ve got more information and suggestions for how to manage hallucinations here — 10 Ways to Respond to Dementia Hallucinations in Seniors (https://dailycaring.com/10-ways-to-respond-to-dementia-hallucinations-in-seniors/)
I’m deeply sorry about your mom. You’ll be tremendously blessed for your love patience and understanding with her as well as your care that you give. People with dementia tends to hold on to a particular memory and replay that memory constantly. The best thing to do is to play along with her and we are sure that the child left with his or her mom and they will be back tomorrow. She’s always reassure her that that child is OK and is with a safe person and love in person. Whatever the memory display you must Entertain. Remember it is the ultimate world and everything that is said is true to them
She is an amazing lady.
HELP!!! What age does Dementia usually start? My mom is 67 yrs old and since my dad passed away 10 years ago had to take over the care of both my brothers who both have primary progressive Multiple Sclerosis. My husband and I move our family of 8 to live with them as she was overwhelmed with trying to care for them in her own. But these last couple of years she has begun to worry me with strange and upsetting behavior . She will frequently misplace things and always accuse me of taking them most of the time but not directly but she makes comments hinting towards me being the one who did it. There’s been several times she’s misplaced money or her and my two disabled brothers medications and she always start crying saying she’s not safe and that someone is doing these things to her on purpose she even goes as far as praying and asking why people want to hurt her if all she want to do is take care of her family . It also never fails that if we do end up finding misplaced items weather it be money or medication she always always sais there was more in quantity than what we end up finding and either way someone end up accused of it. It’s like either way there’s no making her happy. She can’t admit to even making the tiniest of mistakes things that anyone could forget easily that are no big deal It most definitely wasn’t her mistake and she will come up with the craziest reasons why it couldn’t of been her. ( it amazes me how she’s so worried or seems like she can’t have anyone know she made a mistake) she takes certain medications that have side affects of making her really sleepy aside from the fact that her and I are up all through the night watching over my brothers because they might need to be suctioned through their tracheotomy in their throats. So yes we are both tired and sleep dreprived but the difference is that I don’t accuse her of the horrible things she without a second thought has accused me of. If she finds herself exhausted one day more than usual she thinks she’s been given something to make her sleepy . She’s made inderect accusations of someone possibly putting something in her food that then made her sleepy. To the point where she had lab work done to confirm. ( of coarse it was clear ) . I don’t know what to do anymore I don’t want to abandon her or my disabled brothers but it hurts to be the go to punching bag every time something isn’t right or she thinks something isn’t right . I’m always defending her or making excuses for her every time she acting strange because she falling asleep doing different things walking around rambling things that don’t make sense but will not lay down and get some rest no matter how many times I try to get her to do it. Some days are worse than others but it only seems to have gotten worse since first moving in to present day. I’m not sure how long I can handle this even though I know That for my family’s sake I’m willing to take being the punching bag if I have to. But I’m scared there’s gonna be a time when I’m not sure what I’m gonna do if it gets worse cuz she’s the one that is the main person or guardian for my disabled brothers I’m scared to think that I might have to explain to her that I might need to take over . I feel like she’s gonna think I wanna hurt her on purpose. I love my mom to the moon and back but I’m hurt the way she can so easily have thoughts of accusing me of such crazy and horrible things. I seek like I’m stuck in a never ending circle. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
So sorry to hear about this tough situation 🙁
It may be helpful to let your mom’s doctor know about these behavior changes and ask that they do a thorough exam. It’s possible that she has a treatable health condition that’s causing dementia-like symptoms. Or, she could have Alzheimer’s or dementia. It may also help to evaluate her medications, vitamins, and supplements to make sure that there aren’t any negative interactions that are causing problems.
These articles may be helpful:
— 8 Treatable Diseases That Mimic Dementia https://dailycaring.com/8-treatable-diseases-that-mimic-dementia/
— 7 Treatable Health Conditions with Symptoms Similar to Dementia https://dailycaring.com/7-treatable-health-conditions-with-symptoms-similar-to-dementia/
The behaviors you’ve described are common in dementia. We’ve got some articles that can help you understand why they’re happening and how to respond:
— Responding to 4 Common Dementia Accusations: Stealing, Poisoning, Being Held Prisoner https://dailycaring.com/responding-to-4-common-dementia-accusations-stealing-poisoning-being-held-prisoner/
— 6 Ways to Help Someone Who Doesn’t Know They’re Ill: Anosognosia in Dementia https://dailycaring.com/6-ways-to-help-someone-who-doesnt-know-theyre-ill-anosognosia-in-dementia/
my dad is 73 he was always a narcisstic jerk and we never got along at all , but in the six months he is acting like the mayor of crazytown.
He walks around nude has arguing conversations in public with himself
He almost got his butt kicked at a buffet because he mowed down a really old lady
He almost stepped on my two year niece’s head because he didn’t see her there He also tried to push her out of the way and wonders why they don’t want him babysitting anymore.
Think everyone is stealing off him and gets irate The items are usually sitting next to him or in dumb places like the freezer or a book on his bookshelf.
Thinks the tv is on when it is off . Starts fights me over my humidifier and fan being on but is so deaf it is hard to talk to him.He wakes my mom up who is 65 and still works and she gets mad at me for waking her up even if he is standing there arguing with himself.
She said if the cops come she is going to take my dad’s side because it is my job to calm him down.I told her , I am not staying here anymore find a nurse. I am sick hearing her homophobic rants about how gays are an abomination to jesus. I am gay and she has no idea.
I’m so sorry this is happening and that your mom isn’t being supportive of you.
To help you cope with the situation, it may be helpful to talk with others in a caregiver support group. We know of one resource that’s specifically for younger caregivers — https://www.thescanfoundation.org/millennial-caregivers
And here are some online caregiver support groups that may also be helpful — Support Groups for Caregivers on Facebook https://dailycaring.com/support-groups-for-caregivers-on-facebook/
It sounds like your dad may be experiencing some cognitive issues. There could be a variety of causes for this, so the best thing to do would be to have your mom take him to the doctor for a thorough exam.
It’s possible that he has a treatable health condition that’s causing dementia-like symptoms. Or, he could have Alzheimer’s or dementia. It may also help to evaluate his medications, vitamins, and supplements to make sure that there aren’t any negative interactions that are causing problems.
These articles may also be helpful:
— 8 Treatable Diseases That Mimic Dementia https://dailycaring.com/8-treatable-diseases-that-mimic-dementia/
— 7 Treatable Health Conditions with Symptoms Similar to Dementia https://dailycaring.com/7-treatable-health-conditions-with-symptoms-similar-to-dementia/
— Medications That Worsen Dementia and Increase Dementia Risk: Anticholinergics https://dailycaring.com/medications-worsen-dementia-and-increase-dementia-risk-anticholinergics/
My father is 93and living alone at a distance from family. He has complained of bugs biting him and is convinced that bugs are inside him and causing pain. Nothing is ever seen. Doctors have run tests and found nothing.
What’s the next move for us and what are we in store for in the near future? Thanks
Mitch
Does your father have Alzheimer’s, dementia, or a treatable health condition that causes cognitive issues? It sounds like he may be having hallucinations.
If he isn’t already diagnosed, it’s a good idea to have his doctor give a thorough exam to rule out treatable health conditions that could be causing this behavior. Even something as simple as a urinary tract infection could cause cognitive symptoms.
If it is dementia, this article might help you understand hallucinations and know how to respond: 10 Ways to Respond to Dementia Hallucinations in Seniors https://dailycaring.com/10-ways-to-respond-to-dementia-hallucinations-in-seniors/
And if it is dementia, here’s more information about what to expect as the disease progresses — 3 Stages of Dementia: What to Expect https://dailycaring.com/3-stages-of-dementia-what-to-expect/
These articles discuss some of the treatable health conditions that can cause these types of symptoms:
— 8 Treatable Diseases That Mimic Dementia https://dailycaring.com/8-treatable-diseases-that-mimic-dementia/
— 7 Treatable Health Conditions with Symptoms Similar to Dementia https://dailycaring.com/7-treatable-health-conditions-with-symptoms-similar-to-dementia/
I need some guidance please. My mom believes that my 11 year old daughter is her child. My mom lives with us in her own cottage on our premises. She gets very upset and angry if my child does not want to go with her. During the festive season she even grabbed my child by the arm to force her to go with her. This has really upset my daughter. She is not a baby anymore I know, and she knows that granny is ill but it upsets her as a child. How do I handle this situation?
I’m sorry this is happening, it’s definitely a tough situation for both your daughter and you.
This behavior could be caused by a variety of reasons. Figuring out the root cause is helpful for reducing or managing it. You’ll need to play detective to find the triggers because your mom’s dementia is beyond the point where she can express her feelings and needs. The holidays are often filled with bustle and change of routine, which can increase the likelihood that someone with dementia will feel agitated and act out.
For example, if your mom tends to do this when she’s feeling insecure or afraid, you can help make her feel safe and secure which hopefully reduces the behavior. Or, your mom may be feeling the need to care for someone and giving her a doll or stuffed animal can fill that need. Or, she could be in need of help with a physical need like going to the bathroom. Observe her behavior and try to make changes to reduce triggers that may be causing it. We’ve got suggestions in the articles listed below.
It may also help to speak with your daughter and explain more about the causes behind dementia behaviors. Encourage her to express her concerns and questions to you so you can help talk them through and explain why specific things might be happening. This doesn’t solve the situation, but keeping communications open and being supportive will help your daughter cope.
Here are some articles with helpful suggestions for reducing and managing this behavior:
— The Positive Effect of Therapy Dolls for Dementia https://dailycaring.com/the-positive-effect-of-therapy-dolls-for-dementia/
— Reduce Dementia Agitation with a Calm Environment: 5 Helpful Tips https://dailycaring.com/reduce-dementia-agitation-with-a-calm-environment-5-helpful-tips/
— 10 Affordable Products for People with Dementia That Increase Comfort and Calm https://dailycaring.com/10-affordable-products-for-people-with-dementia-that-increase-comfort-and-calm/
— 14 Ways of Dealing with Aggressive Behavior in Dementia https://dailycaring.com/14-ways-of-dealing-with-aggressive-behavior-in-dementia/
— Dealing with Difficult Alzheimer’s and Dementia Symptoms https://dailycaring.com/dealing-with-difficult-alzheimers-dementia-symptoms/
I need help my grandfather has this he acuuse me and my family of stealing his meds and threatins us of calling law and child services on us and sayd were on drugs and he keeps asking me and my childrin to if an do we no were to get him some xnaxs and pain pills and cause his wife bad words and says she cheating on him and that he see people that arnt there so now mi and my family have been seen by social workers amd police please its mentaly breakimg me and my family down
I’m so sorry this is happening. Hopefully some of the suggestions in this article above will help reduce your grandfather’s accusations. And hopefully the authorities can see that dementia is causing his behavior and that his accusations are false. You may want to contact a lawyer to find out how to handle the situation if legal action is needed.
In case it’s helpful, we’ve got information about how to find low cost legal services — 7 Sources of Free Legal Services for Seniors https://dailycaring.com/7-sources-of-free-legal-services-for-seniors/
I agree with you.
I get it, i understand that alzhemeir’s is a disease. I am only 17 years old and I wanna live my life. But my mom’s mother thinks that I am her kid and tries to take control over me. If i don’t do what she tells me to do she gets mad at me for the stupidest s***. I don’t like the way she treats me yet my mom thinks that it is fine. She tries to force me to like her in which I am starting to hate her so much because she is causing so much problems. She is ruing my family. Sometimes I feel like she is faking this s*** because somehow she remembers something from 70 years ago but can’t remember something in 5 minutes. My neighbor had a crush on me and my grandma knew about it and told the guy to back off. and that just recently happened and she still remembers!!! she walks in the middle of the road and i tell her to walk by the grass and she pirposly walks in the middle. My parents tell her to walk by the grass and so she does. My mom doesn’t stand by me and my brother anymore instead she is protecting her mother which is understandable. my neighbor had a heart attack and she just came back and I asked her if she needs me to help her with her garden or anything I will be willingly to do so. I went over to her her and this is the s*** i get from my grandma when i come back. She f****** accuses me of abusing her, said that she is scared of me and calls me an animal and told me to go back to India. I HAVE NEVER IN MY F****** LIFE ABUSED HER!!! I have big dreams when I grow up! I want to be a vet, i want to be a surgical doctor, i want to work in the medical field. I told my mom that I never layed a finger on her mom. 1.she says oh its just the disease she has. AND then my mom just agrees with her mom that I do abuse her??? WTF!!!! Not only that but i feel like I am losing my mom because she is not their for me and my brother anymore. I feel like she is turning my mom against me and my brother. She asked my mom how she stands with my rude behavior and that i am a nasty person with no manners. Meanwhile its literally her who has no manners at all and shows no respect! see this is how it works out, if you want respect you have to show others respect! treat others how you would want to be treated!
Someone please explaing this to me??? I can’t stand it anymore!!!!
So sorry this is happening, it’s really tough to deal with when you’re so young. You won’t be able to change your grandmother’s behavior, but there may be ways to help you reduce or manage it. Knowing more about the disease and the cause behind these behaviors helps you understand and better deal with what’s happening.
Unfortunately, your mom is correct, it is the Alzheimer’s disease that’s causing this illogical behavior. It may seem like she’s agreeing with her, but It sounds like she might just be going along with your grandma’s reality. This is a dementia care technique to keep an angry situation from escalating further. More info about that here: Therapeutic Fibbing: Why Experts Recommend Lying to Someone with Dementia https://dailycaring.com/why-experts-recommend-lying-to-someone-with-dementia/
These articles may be helpful.
— What Is Alzheimer’s Disease? Symptoms, Causes, Treatments https://dailycaring.com/what-is-alzheimers-disease-get-the-facts/
— 7 Ways to Respond to Mean Dementia Behavior https://dailycaring.com/7-ways-to-respond-to-mean-dementia-behavior/
— 3 Stages of Dementia: What to Expect https://dailycaring.com/3-stages-of-dementia-what-to-expect/
— Understanding and Managing Dementia Behaviors: A Comprehensive Guide https://dailycaring.com/understanding-and-managing-dementia-behaviors-a-comprehensive-guide/