Welcoming an aging parent into your home is an act of love, but it can also bring unexpected challenges, from disrupted routines to emotional strain. While the transition may sometimes feel overwhelming, you can create a harmonious living situation that benefits everyone with the right strategies.
In this article, we share 10 practical ways to cope, from setting boundaries to finding caregiver support, so you can navigate this new chapter with compassion for your parent and yourself.
When an aging parent moves in with you, it significantly changes your life. To make the adjustment a little easier, Caring.com shares 10 tips for preparing yourself mentally and emotionally for the changes this new situation will bring. Planning ahead and setting expectations early helps reduce conflicts and minimize stress.
The decision to move your aging parent in to live with you is made with great care and planning. Some of the preparations you’ll need to make will involve modifying your home to ensure your aging parent’s safety and well-being. For instance, you may need to remove area rugs and other tripping hazards, or remodel a part of the house to accommodate his or her inability to use stairs.
But adult children who once again live with their parents should also prepare themselves mentally and emotionally for the changes and potential pitfalls this situation can bring. And as you’re gearing up to welcome your parent to live in your home, experts suggest taking the following steps to help ensure everyone co-exists happily.
1. Consider Your Budget
You may know that moving a parent in with you can help save money. Still, it’s essential to consider your family’s budget and determine how the financial responsibilities will be distributed.
Some categories of expenses to consider include rent or mortgage, food, clothing, entertainment, personal hygiene costs, and other day-to-day costs such as transportation expenses or pet expenses if your parents are also bringing their pet with them.
2. Set Expectations Early
Family members must understand what is expected and how they fit into your aging parent’s caregiving big picture.
“On Day 1, adult children should set expectations about things such as private versus shared areas of the home, who is in charge of what household responsibilities, and what the financial expectations are for the parent and the adult child,” suggests Lakelyn Hogan, Gerontologist and Caregiver Advocate at Home Instead Senior Care.
3. Identify the Level of Care Required
Hogan says it’s essential to identify your parent’s care needs to make sure that the family is capable of providing that care. “Think about daily routine activities like driving, preparing meals, housework, shopping, managing finances, medication management, etc., as well as eating, dressing, bathing, and restroom assistance,” she suggests.
You should evaluate these needs not only when the elder moves in but also on a regular basis to determine if changes to care are required and if you’re able to continue sharing your home with your parents.
4. Stick to the Status Quo
Adult children need to maintain the same lifestyle – including social gatherings at your home or those you attend away from home – and routines you had before your parent moved in, says Laurel Steinberg, PhD, a relationship therapist and psychology professor at Columbia University.
“You need to have your own friends, opportunity to date if applicable, fitness and physical activity, and eating habits to prevent losing your identity while caring for an elderly parent,” she stresses. “You had a life before your parent moved in, and you will still have to live a full life if your parent moves out or pass away.”
In addition to helping you be the healthiest and most satisfied caregiver possible, sticking to your familiar routines sets a good example for your parents. Steinberg says that will help them feel more at ease with maintaining social relationships and staying engaged in the community. “You set the tone for the entire home,” she explains. And if your parents see you sticking to habits and patterns, they’ll feel more comfortable doing so as well.
5. Avoid Parent-Child Patterns From Youth
Just because you’re back living under the same roof as your parents, you don't have to share the details of your life that you may have once shared as a child. Steinberg cautions adult children not to seek approval for their actions and decisions. You now pay for the roof over your head and are responsible for the day-to-day routines.
She says it’s OK to ask a parent for help or their opinion. Still, you shouldn’t fall into a pattern where a parent dictates how the household should operate or expect to be privy to every decision and detail related to the household. “Parents should only offer advice when adult children ask for it,” she says.
6. Don’t Ask For Permission
Remember that even though you’re a grown-up who may have grown kids of your own, to your parent, you’ll always be their little boy or girl. That nostalgia can fuel parental expectations that your relationship will revert to what it was decades earlier.
“Adult children often fall into the habit of asking for permission when parents live with them,” says Steinberg.
Gently assert your adult independence by setting boundaries on move-in day. Steinberg says you can politely tell your parent that you will not be reporting in every time you leave the house, take a phone call, etc.. “The goal is to establish that you’re a self-sufficient adult who loves their parent, but has his or her own, independent life now,” she says.
7. Don’t Be a Hero
Just because you share an address doesn't mean you are the only one responsible for your parents’ care and needs.
Don’t hesitate to call on siblings and other family members to share the responsibility of providing care. “If extended family members will not help with caregiving responsibilities or respite care, arrange for a professional home care service to help,” says Steinberg.
8. Talk to Professionals
Seek outside counseling to help with the transition. “Having a parent age to the point where you are now essentially the ‘parent' can be very powerful and difficult to navigate and trigger a range of emotions,” says Sara Sedlik, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles.
In this situation, you may experience unexpected anger, sadness, dread, or guilt, which can be overwhelming.
“There may also be relief or joy to have your parent close to you,” she adds. “Typically, there is a mix of emotions, which adds to the confusion.”
Without properly addressing your feelings or at least being aware of them, you may experience excess stress that can manifest in other areas of your life, including personal or professional relationships, work performance, or even physical health issues.
9. Set Boundaries
Allow for private time and family time for every member of the household. “Create or designate an area of the home that allows the parent to have his or her privacy,” suggests Hogan. Other family members can also designate their own spaces to maintain privacy and autonomy.
When your parents move in, set clear expectations that distinguish between private and shared space within the home. “If space is limited, especially in areas of the home like the bathroom, consider a shared schedule,” says Hogan.
10. Nurture Your Relationship
Whether you’re married, dating, or hoping to have a companion, it’s important that adult children whose parents move in with them devote energy and care to that primary relationship, says Sedlick.
“Your parent is likely to, unconsciously or consciously, demand your attention and your current and primary relationship may suffer,” she cautions. “Keep communication open, be present, and nurture your romantic relationship.” That will help you stay on track with your personal goals and work to reduce caregiver burnout and stress.
Recommended for you:
- How to Talk with Parents About Aging: 5 Tips and Conversation Starters
- 7 Steps to Take When Aging Parents Need Help
- Don’t Fall for the Caregiver Guilt Trap: Two Common Myths
About the Author
Caring.com
Caring.com's mission is to help the helpers. We equip family caregivers to make better decisions, save time and money, and feel less alone – and less stressed – as they face the many challenges of caregiving. Visit our site at www.caring.com to find helpful articles, support groups, and a comprehensive directory of local senior care resources.
