You’ve noticed the unsteady step, the forgotten medication, or the pile of unpaid bills. Your concern is met with a wall of defiance – a firm ‘I’m fine’ that shuts down the conversation before it even begins. If you’re struggling to communicate with an aging parent who won’t listen, you’re not alone.
This heartbreaking friction, where love meets resistance, is one of the most frustrating challenges for caregivers. But what if the problem isn’t what you’re saying, but how the conversation is happening? Shifting your approach can turn a standoff into a breakthrough, paving the way for the support your parent truly needs.
Talking with an older adult about sensitive subjects like aging and necessary lifestyle changes can be tricky. To make those conversations more successful, Paradise Living Centers shares four tips for talking with an aging parent and three tips for talking with someone who has Alzheimer’s or dementia. And even though they focus on aging parents, these tips can help you communicate with any older adult that you care for.
It can be frustrating and even frightening when you‘re trying to communicate something important to your aging parents, and they won’t listen to or accept what you are saying.
Adult children and their aging parents may struggle as age, illness, or physical challenges require a change in the parents’ living circumstances.
Self-sufficient adults who raised families, ran businesses, and households, now face being told they can no longer live the life they spent a lifetime building in the way they want. It’s a tough sell on a good day.
But there are ways to communicate with an aging parent that will make it easier to address tough life topics and essential decisions.
1. Your Parents are Adults, Treat Them That Way
First and foremost, even though you may think your parents are acting as stubborn as young children, they are not children.
They are adults, and any conversation you have with them needs to come from a place of respect and consideration.
Don’t talk at your parents. Talk to them.
2. It’s Not What You Say, It’s How You Say It
Actually, sometimes it is what you are saying.
“Mom, I don’t think you should be driving anymore” probably won’t sit well, even in the softest, sweetest tones.
But tone does matter.
Anyone who feels yelled at, harangued, or bullied will often back away from the conversation and shut down communication.
Take a careful look at how you’re communicating because that may be at the core of why your parents are not listening to you.
3. It’s Not You, It’s Me
One effective way to get an aging parent to listen is to make it about you.
Explaining to your mom that you can’t sleep at night because you’re so worried about her getting into a car accident is different than saying, “You can’t see, and you’re going to get yourself killed, or worse – kill someone else. No more driving.”
Many aging parents’ worst fear is of becoming a burden to their families. It fuels much of the resistance to getting help in their later years.
Honestly explaining how their unwillingness to listen to you is causing that dreaded burden can go a long way toward bringing them back into the conversation.
4. Include your Aging Parent in Decision Making
Rather than lay out the plan for your parents, whether it’s hiring someone to help them around the house and run errands, moving them to an assisted living facility, or simply helping them declutter, bring them in on these decisions.
Ask them what THEY want and try to accommodate them.
How to Communicate with an Aging Parent who has Dementia
1. Accept the Situation
The number one tip for effectively communicating with a parent living with Alzheimer’s disease or dementia is to first accept the situation for what it is.
You’re not talking to the mom or dad you grew up with.
Dementia can alter personalities, perceptions, and more. Talk to the person they are now.
2. Keep it Simple
When talking to someone with dementia, keep your communication simple and limit your choices.
Long, sequential questions with a variety of potential answers will frustrate both of you.
Here’s an example of simple, direct questions: Do you want to wear your loafers or your sneakers? Do you like chicken tacos or beef tacos for lunch?
3. Timing is Everything
Talk to your parent when they can actually focus on what you’re saying. Please avoid asking questions when they are visibly tired or distracted.
When communicating with an aging parent, you’re bound to encounter some infuriating behavior at some point.
And let’s face it, some people with dementia get downright ornery. In fact, most of us get cranky, even if we don’t have the excuse of dementia.
When that happens, please do your best to let it go.
Take a time out, ask siblings or other family members to step in, or seek professional advice, but don’t get sucked into a power struggle.
No one wins, primarily when you issue ultimatums or criticize.
Focus on Respect and Acceptance
Aging is one of the few sure things most of us face in life. The common thread in all of these tips is respect and acceptance.
When those two things drive your communication with your aging parents, it will always be more effective.
Final Thoughts About Communicating with Aging Adults
Navigating these difficult conversations is less about winning an argument and more about preserving a relationship. By choosing connection over correction, you build the trust that is the proper foundation of safety and well-being.
It won’t be perfect every time, and some days will still be hard, but each patient, empathetic conversation is a step forward. So take a deep breath, lead with love, and remember that your steady, respectful presence is the most potent message of care you can ever send.
Recommended for you:
- When They Say No: 8 Ways to Introduce In-Home Care for Seniors
- How to Talk with Parents About Aging: 5 Tips and Conversation Starters
- Caregiver Family Meetings: 5 Keys to Success
Guest contributor: Melissa Andrews is the Content Marketing Strategist for Paradise Living Centers, an assisted living center for seniors with locations in Paradise Valley and Phoenix, Arizona. In her spare time, she enjoys cooking and hiking with her siblings and cousins.
About the Author
Connie is the founder of DailyCaring.com and was a hands-on caregiver for her grandmother for 20 years. (Grandma made it to 101 years old!) She knows how challenging, overwhelming, and all-consuming caring for an older adult can be. She also understands the importance of support, especially in the form of practical solutions, valuable resources, and self-care tips.
