After decades of guiding families through this journey, I can tell you that this question, “Should I correct them?” comes up more than almost any other. And it makes perfect sense. We're wired to want our loved ones to have a firm grasp on reality.
When Mom insists she just had lunch with a cousin who passed away ten years ago, or Dad accuses you of stealing his wallet when it's in his pocket, every instinct screams, “Set the record straight!” This piece will answer the question once and for all…
Should I Correct My Mother Who Has Alzheimer's Disease?
My mom has Alzheimer’s. I know her mind isn’t what it used to be, but she says things that are obviously wrong or not true. I’ve heard that I should go along with her, and I’ve also heard that I should explain why she’s wrong. I’m not sure which way is best.
Here's the scenario:
- She just told me that my uncle came to see her the day before, but I know that didn’t happen because he lives in another state. Another time, she told me she never goes to a certain restaurant (her favorite place), but we had just eaten there a week ago!
Isn’t it better to correct her and tell her what’s right? I’m afraid her Alzheimer’s Disease will get worse if I just go along with whatever she says. Sometimes I think she’s lying on purpose, and I don’t want her to get away with that either. What should I do?
Answer: No, You Don't Need to Correct Her
Your mom isn’t lying to you on purpose. When someone has Alzheimer’s or dementia, the disease causes their brain to malfunction. It might not happen all the time, but when it does, it’s definitely the disease talking.
In her world, she's telling the truth
Older adults with Alzheimer’s or dementia truly do believe what they’re saying because it’s what their brains are telling them. In your mom’s case, what she tells you is her reality. It just doesn’t match yours.
Focus on kindness
The best solution is to focus on being kind rather than being right. Whenever possible, go along with your mom’s new reality. If that means agreeing when she tells a crazy, made-up story or says something sounding like a lie, then so be it.
Agreeing with her won’t do any harm and will definitely make her feel calmer and happier. Using logic and reason to explain why she’s wrong is likely to cause anger, confusion, agitation, defensiveness, or acting out with difficult behavior.
Agreeing won’t make the Alzheimer’s worse
Going along with your mom’s new reality won’t make her Alzheimer’s worse or progress faster. No amount of explanation, logic, or reasoning can stop or delay the disease.
Each person’s disease will advance at a different rate. But because Alzheimer’s and dementia are progressive diseases without cures, everyone eventually gets worse.
The Bottom Line
Here's the hard-earned wisdom I want to leave with you today: your relationship is more important than being right. After thousands of conversations with families, I've seen the heartache that comes from trying to use logic to fight a disease that has no logic. I've also seen the peace that settles over a household when caregivers learn to step into their loved one's world, even just for a moment.
Think of it this way. The woman accusing you of stealing isn't your mother – it's the disease temporarily hijacking her brain's ability to process fear and memory. The man asking to “go home” when he's already there isn't being difficult – he's longing for a feeling of safety that his damaged brain can't otherwise access.
In 30 years, not one family has ever told me on their deathbed, “I'm so glad I won all those arguments with my loved one.” But countless people have shared, with tears in their eyes, how grateful they are for the moments they chose connection over correction.
The path forward isn't always easy. Some accusations, like those involving abuse or safety, require careful documentation and professional guidance (and we'll link to resources for those tough situations below).
But for the everyday confusions and misstatements that make up the bulk of this journey, I encourage you to take a deep breath and ask yourself one simple question: “Does this need to be true, or does this need to be kind?” Nine times out of ten, the kind answer is the one that will bring you both a moment of peace in a storm neither of you asked to be in.
You're doing important work. Be gentle with yourself, too.
Recommended for you:
— The ONE Alzheimer's Care Tip That Will Change Your Life
— Communication Tips Help You Connect with Seniors with Alzheimer’s
— 3 Ways to Respond When Someone with Alzheimer’s Says I Want to Go Home
About the Author
Connie is the founder of DailyCaring.com and was a hands-on caregiver for her grandmother for 20 years. (Grandma made it to 101 years old!) She knows how challenging, overwhelming, and all-consuming caring for an older adult can be. She also understands the importance of support, especially in the form of practical solutions, valuable resources, and self-care tips.
How do I handle my sister when she says “Tell me the truth, is our mother dead?” If I say yes she gets upset that she didn’t know that. She does the same about her husband, who has also passed. Do I lie?
This is certainly a tough situation. I think it really depends on your sister’s capacity for understanding, processing, and retaining information. If her dementia is progressed far enough along that she can only retain information for a few hours or a few days, then it might be better to tell a white lie to avoid making her relive the pain of loss again and again. But if you feel that telling her the truth will help her, that may be the better approach. It really depends and sometimes, may even take some experimenting to see what works best. We’ve got an article about using therapeutic fibbing with someone who has dementia that would be helpful — https://dailycaring.com/why-experts-recommend-lying-to-someone-with-dementia/
I agree with above as long as the are harmless. She tell me every day my grandfather is mean to her and takes her money and car keys. He takes her car keys cause she loses them and she does not need to leave house alone. He does not take her money she hides it and then forgets were she puts it and swear she looked there and it was there before even though my grandfather has not moved since she lost it. When she ask if my aunt left my house yet even though she never came to see me I go with it. If she tells me she talked to my early even though she has not and I know this I just agree
It’s wonderful that you’re able to respond kindly because you know that it’s the dementia causing her to say these things.
I agree with going along with the harmless examples above. However, how do I handle the accusations against me and my mother’s aides? We have been accused of tying her up, beating her, holding her down and scratching her, dragging her down the hall by her feet, not feeding her…you get the drift. I’m just thankful that we are each others witness that none of these have happened.
I’m so sorry this is happening. Unfortunately, making false accusations is a common dementia behavior. It’s helpful that you are all witnesses to each other, so you all know that what your mother is saying is truly false. We’ve got some tips on how to respond to false accusations here — http://dailycaring.com/8-ways-to-deal-with-false-dementia-accusations/ And in case you need it, here’s an article with tips on how to figure out if abuse accusations could be true — http://dailycaring.com/6-signs-of-elder-abuse-in-seniors-with-dementia/
I agree with going along with the harmless examples above. However, how do I handle my mother’s accusations against me and her aides? We have been accused of tying her up, beating her, holding her down and scratching her face, dragging he’d down the hall by her feet…you get the drift. I’m just thankful that we are each others witness that these things never hapened.