So You Messed Up in Dementialand: Making Mistakes and Coping with Guilt

caregiver guilt

As caregivers, we tend to beat ourselves up over mistakes and then dwell on them. But despite our very best intentions and efforts, mistakes are unavoidable in life and caregiving is no exception. Dr. Elaine Eshbaugh shares examples of how we can be too hard on ourselves and explains why it’s in our (and our older adult’s) best interests to forgive ourselves and move on.

Caregiving is unpredictable. It’s a different experience for everyone. You have unique challenges and joys. Just like dementia looks different on everyone…caregiving looks different on everyone.

If you’re a caregiver, there’s one thing I can guarantee you share with all other caregivers. And that is the inevitable, undeniable, and incredibly human reality that you (yes, I am talking to you) are going to mess up.

Let’s face it. You have made mistakes in all areas of your life. You’ve messed up in your family and romantic relationships. You’ve messed up at work. You’ve messed up in cooking, driving, managing your finances…you name it. If I haven’t messed up something at least once before 9 am, I’m probably still in bed. And then I guess I did mess something up – because I overslept.




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I’ve not saying all of these mistakes have been life-changing disasters. Some of them have been issues that can be resolved in a minutes. Some of them, unfortunately, have been issues that aren’t fixable.

Why would caregiving be any different?

You say something to your loved one with dementia that – you realize later – caused them pain.

You help your loved one take a shower, and they fall because you turned your back for one second.

You think it’s a great idea to take them on a little vacation…until you realize that this vacation has taken them out of their routine and increased their anxiety and confusion.

Maybe you decide to pursue hospice, and you regret that you didn’t do it four months sooner.

Or you respond in a harsh tone because you cannot deal with answering the same question for the billionth time. (If you say you haven’t done this, you have much more patience than the average Joe or Joanne…or you are, more likely, a liar.)

Someone I know once gave her husband the dog’s thyroid medication. She called the pharmacy in a panic. When the pharmacist didn’t return her call, she called her vet, who assured her everything would be okay. (“Call me if he starts barking,” he said.) Her husband was no worse for the wear, but she is still horrified that she could make such a scary mistake.

I used to tell caregivers they’d make all the right decisions. Maybe it was reassuring – but it wasn’t true.

All of the love in the world doesn’t keep you from messing up. Couldn’t you say the same about parenting? Or marriage?

But here’s the important message: You gotta let it go and move on.

I could tell you not to blame yourself because you’re a human being. I could say you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself because you have a lot of on your plate. As caregivers, we beat ourselves up a lot.

If you don’t think you owe it to yourself to forgive these errors, you owe it to the person with dementia. You see, it takes a lot of energy to beat yourself up. And you don’t have that energy to spare.

I no longer tell caregivers that they will make all the right decisions. I tell them to accept that they will make some wrong ones.

If you’re a caregiver, I hope that your mistakes are small and fixable (and maybe that your loved one with dementia forgets about them). And I hope that you move on quickly because guilt and self-blame are a waste of time.

So…head up, stay strong, let it go, move on.

(I read that on Pinterest.)

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Guest contributor:Dr. Elaine Eshbaugh is the author of Welcome to Dementialand. She holds the Davis Professorship of Gerontology and chairs the Division of Family Services and Gerontology at the University of Northern Iowa. She’s on the executive board of the Northeast Iowa Agency on Aging and has collaborated with continuing care communities, adult day services, and hospices. Dr. Eshbaugh is also active in community outreach and does education on dementia for communities, families, and facilities. She often meets with families to provide support after a dementia diagnosis.

Image: Care Street Home Care

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